


Me, Myself and I

by ladybugbella



Category: Placebo
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-18 23:34:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 34,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1447036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladybugbella/pseuds/ladybugbella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stefans struggles with unrequited love..</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This was Originally written in 2010 and hosted on my now deceased domain. Decided to re-share it with the public as I'm rather proud of it.

Burning. My skin is on fire as I writhe against the sheets. The hot and familiar mouth moves over my inner thigh, inching higher to the achingly hard length between my legs but the lips and tongue never quite reach the desired spot which causes me to cry out in frustration and desire. My long fingers grip the sheets at my side and I pull so forcefully on them that they come clear off the mattress and end up covering myself and my lover in a tent of pale green Egyptian cotton. “Oh my fucking god.. You are the dirtiest filthy tease I know..” the words come out in a growl as my hips rock in an attempt to urge the wet mouth to finally be where I want it to be and my head falls back against the pillows as I feel breathy whispers against the head of my now steadily leaking cock. “Yes..” the word is all but hissed, “That’s what I want.. You know how I like it..” A groan escapes as my entire body feels as though it’s being hit by an electrical current. My breathing quickens and my hands, still gripping the sheets, reach for my dark haired lovers head and at the sweet moment of ecstasy as the soft, warm lips hit my aching cock I’m jolted awake by the loud and incessant buzzing of the alarm clock.  
“FUCK!”  
The expletive comes flowing from my mouth loudly as I reach one of my long arms out to grab the offending clock and hurl it towards the hamper of dirty clothes then, when the room was silent again, I’m able to fall back against the pillows and rub my sweaty face.  
These dreams had been coming all too often for my liking. They left me feeling so empty. So unfulfilled. So dejected. And it was making it harder and harder to carry on like nothing was wrong. But it’s what I had to do. I had to pretend. It’s what he wanted after all, what he all but insisted upon. Not myself, him.. He who shall not be named..  
The one who had been playing cops and robbers with my emotions for the best part of my life. I’ve spent my entire adult life wanting this man in some form of another and I don’t know how to break the spell that he’s woven over me. It’s an all encompassing thing and I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to break free of it and to be able to stand alone and say ‘I’m okay’ and really mean it. Because nowadays when I say it - those words are empty to my ears. I put on a great façade and I let those around me believe that I’m okay, that I’ve moved on, but really.. When it all boils down to the finite points. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for some time and no one seems to notice, so I’m either doing a really good job or no one actually gives a damn.  
But I digress and as much as I’d like to stay in bed and mope the day away, my schedule for the day is definitely making that option null and void. So instead, I’ll drag myself to the shower and wash away the sweat that lingers on my skin from the latest dream and as I replay the images from said dream while standing under the hot spray of the water, I know I won’t be able to stop myself from reaching down and giving myself the relief that didn’t come earlier thanks to the ever annoying alarm clock and it’s inopportune timing.  
Once that was all said and done and I was two coffee’s and a piece of toast down, I’m heading for the door and out to start the day.  
I don’t mind working. I actually quite enjoy it - most people wouldn’t even classify what I do as ‘work’. Some people, like my grandparents, would shake their heads and say that it’s just a hobby.. Something fun to pass the time with. But how many people can say that their ‘hobby’ allows them the ability to travel the world with your best friends doing what you love? Mine does and that’s something that I’ll never take for granted. I’ve been blessed enough to have been able to do what I love on a professional level for well over a decade and I thank my lucky stars that people still to this day enjoy what I do. They love the music I make with my friends, with my family because really. That’s what they are. These men (and women) are undoubtedly my family. I mean, I see them more often than my flesh and blood relatives and they’re the ones who I always go to first if something happens in my life.  
On my drive to the rehearsal space I find myself lost in thought and the music playing on the car stereo filters into my subconscious and the words of the song playing wind themselves around my thoughts ‘It must be the end of the road, It must be the end of you and I and forever too. Walking the last bridge alone We've given up on the good times And the bad we knew ‘ A heavy sigh escapes as I let my thoughts register with clarity and I know that this song was sending me a message. A message that I should have heeded a long time ago, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t let that final strand of the frayed cord break. The cord that has been binding me to him for so long and that had me still clinging to the dreams like the one that had left me gasping this morning. I love him. There’s no denying it. I’ve loved him for so long that it’s become something of a second nature and it’s something that I can’t turn my back on, even if he’s done that very thing to me. He’s made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want a relationship with me and I thought I was okay with that, that in time my feelings for him would dissipate but here I am, nearly two years after that fateful conversation in a coffee shop in Toronto where he told me that there was no future for us, at least, not in the sense that I wanted, and I’m still aching for him. I hate being this way, I hate that I’m so centred around him. But I can’t figure out how to break his hold on me. God knows I’ve tried but there’s just something about him that holds me captive. ‘When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well  
There's still someone that I can tell my troubles to. Me, myself, and I will never be alone we'll find a way to get along and we'll be fine when all that's left is me, myself, and I’. With yet another sigh, this one heavier than the last. I reach down and flip off the stereo. Those words were just hitting too close to home as I often fear that I’m going to be left alone. With no-one beside me, just myself and my shadow and then knowing my luck, I’ll be like Peter Pan and my shadow will get stuck in some girls sewing drawer and then I will be truly alone. Great. Now any semblance of a good mood I had has gone right out the window. This will make the day all the more enjoyable especially if he’s spent the night with his latest. He’ll be glowing with that post sexual aura and knowing him, he’ll even still smell like sex. Not that I don’t think he always smells like sex… but that’s another story.  
Surely he’s got to know what he’s doing to me. It’s no secret that I’m still completely enraptured by him because no matter how hard I try to hide it, it still slips out. The fans know it too. They devote hours to scouring the internet for videos and clips where it’s obvious. It might be a look that lingers too long, a smile that’s just too soft or a gesture that shows too much and they know. They know all too well what I’m thinking, well, they like to assume they do and from what I’ve read of their observations - they’re not usually too far off the mark. Which I don’t know if I should find disturbing or not, I mean.. is it supposed to be flattering that so many people think and discuss my sexual needs and desires?  
That’s going to be something that sits on my mind all day which will just add to the wonderful day that I’m already assuming I’m going to be having thanks to the dream this morning. Ah yes, the dream. I should probably admit to myself that even though the dreams leave me empty and unsatisfied, I still can’t help but look forward to them. For that brief moment I get to believe that he loves me back, that he still wants me and that I’m still going to be able to experience the feeling of his lips on mine, his calloused fingertips on my pale skin and his hair tickling the insides of my thighs.  
Great.  
Now I know for sure that today is going to suck. To have to face him with all these thoughts in my head is going to be hell - not that it’ll be the first time that I’ve had to do it mind you. Is it too late to turn around and fake sickness? Fuck.


	2. Chapter Two

Nothing went right today. Nothing at fucking all. They didn’t even get my lunch order right. Is this where I say ‘fuck my life’? Because it sure would be fitting right about now.   
By the time I got into the rehearsal space, I’d decided that I was going to focus on having a good day, but clearly I’ve pissed off some random Gods and they decided to shit on me all day because not only did HE spend the night with his new lover - he decided to bring him in today so I had to spend the entire day watching them eye-fuck, touch and be all lovey. Did I mention, that they disappeared at lunch time and came back all mussed up and flushed? Yeah, seriously, fuck. my. life.   
Then to add insult to injury, I had a mug of tea on top of my favourite amp and somehow it got knocked over. Goodbye amp. Then I kept breaking strings, without doubt due to the fact that my day was a complete and utter write off, causing me to play out my frustrations, oh and I have no hesitations in thinking that the others all knew EXACTLY what my problem was but did HE stop and take note? No. Well, yeah he did. He stopped eye-fucking long enough to tell me to get my shit together so we didn’t waste the whole day. His actual words were along the lines of ‘Pull the dildo out of your minge and focus on your shit.’ Oh and there was the ‘Someone clearly didn‘t get any love last night.’ That gem came when I declared that I needed a break not long into the days work. I tried to ignore it, but those words hurt because he knows god dammit. He KNOWS that there isn’t anyone in my life in that way - there hasn’t been anyone for some time, not since him. So maybe that’s what I need to do. Maybe I need to go get laid, to have some random, hot sex with a nameless stranger. Someone that I’m not going to have to face every day at work and someone that will actually give me a form of sexual gratification that didn’t come in the shape of my hand.  
But not tonight. Tonight I have a date with a bottle of red and my favourite curry along with one of my guilty pleasures. ‘Notting Hill’. I don’t know what it is about this movie but I can’t seem to watch it enough. It’s my ‘go to’ when I can’t think of anything else to watch and it’s something that I’ll always reach for when I need a bit of a mope, or a laugh. It might have something to do with the fact that I used to have a ‘thing’ for Hugh Grant or that could just be a bonus factor.  
I’d half finished both the curry and wine and William Thacker was being subjected to various blind dates including my favourite, the ‘fruitarian’ who informs him that ‘the carrots had been murdered’, when I hear a knock at the front door and my heart freezes when the knocking continues in a familiar and distinctive pattern that could mean only one person was on the other side. Him.  
I contemplate for a moment about pretending I wasn’t home, or I was already asleep - but knowing him, if I don’t answer the door he’ll let himself in with the key I gave him years ago. He doesn’t use it much anymore, but I wouldn’t put it past him to use it just because I don’t want to see him tonight.  
With a heavy heart, I pause the DVD and head through the house, rubbing my face in an effort to control my racing pulse and a quick peak through the peep hole confirms my suspicions as I see him standing on my stoop and from the looks of things he was still in his loved up state.   
Letting out a slow breath I unlock the door and pull it open, “Sorry, I’m not interested, I have my own religion..” I tell him with a slow smile and he arches a finely sculpted eyebrow, “Yeah right, the only deity you bow to is the one hidden behind a pair of Y fronts..” comes the remark along with one of his trademark grins and a cheeky laugh. “What are you doing here? Sick of Loverboy already?” it pains me to the core to bring this topic up but I have to remind myself that my silly romantic inclinations aside, I’m still his best friend and I should really start living back up to that title. He pushes past me and heads down the hallway towards the lounge, “Nah, he had work.. Or school.. Yeah, School I think..” I raise an eyebrow as I follow the shorter man, “He.. Goes.. To.. School..?” I ask slowly, “You’re dating a schoolboy? I hope he’s legal..” He rolls his eyes at my teasing and flops down on the couch while tapping a smoke out of the pack on my coffee table, “Sod off. He goes to night school part time. He’s trying to get a degree in something.. I think.. Or he’s just trying to pass high school, not too sure on that detail..” he gives a nonchalant shrug as he lights up and takes a long drag. I move back to my abandoned position on the couch and cover up my leftover curry and top my glass of wine up as I process the tidbit of information that he’d just given me and I mull over the thought that maybe, just maybe he’s not so serious about this guy after all. I know it’s stupid to even think that I might still have a chance, but my heart won’t let me give up hope.   
“Don’t tell me you’re still watching this movie? How many times have you seen it now?” his voice shakes me from my thoughts and I give a non-committal laugh and shrug, “Well what can I say? When I need a pick me up, it’s definitely something that does the trick..” I turn to face him and my stomach twists into a knot as I notice the way he was intently watching me. “Didn’t your ma tell you it was rude to stare?” I mumble as my cheeks flush and I busy myself with leaning over to pick my glass of wine up from the table, his gaze unnerving me.   
He too leans forward, to tap the ash into the ashtray and gives me a smirk. “She might have, but we both know that I’m not one to play by the rules. Especially when it comes to behaving myself. Or did you forget that I wrote the book on being a miscreant..” “Oh how could I possibly forget that? You’re the one who corrupted me. I was just an innocent Swedish lad, minding my business in the tube when lo and behold, next thing I know my life has totally changed..” I manage a smile and sip my wine, it was true. He did change my life and in more ways than one. Professionally, I was able to find my place in the world and on a personal level, I met my soul mate. Because that’s what he is, sexual and intimate relationships aside, he’ll still be my best friend and he’ll still be the person who I will always care deeply about.   
He rewards my comment with a bright smile and he leans back into the couch cushions, bringing the ashtray with him and resting it on the couch between us, “So.. What was going on today? You seemed pissed about something..” ah. Here it is. I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to bring it up but I thought he’d at least give it a day, must be a slow news day for him.   
I give him a shrug and sip my wine before answering, I mean, how do I respond to that? Do I tell him the truth or do I bullshit my way out of it? Yeah, bullshitting was my choice too, “Oh you know.. Just a bad day, us common folk do have them from time to time. Car wouldn’t start, bad traffic… you know how it goes, same shit just a different day..” I glance over at him and hate the fact that he knows I’m lying. Damn him and his intuitiveness. “C’mon Steffy, you know I’m not buying that load of tripe… this is me, you can tell me what’s on your mind..” fuck. shit. damn. I hate it when he does this. I swear it’s for his own amusement, he’s a sadistic little fucker, loves to see me squirm. Although, for someone who is so attuned to my lies, he seems to be lacking some insight when it comes to me in other areas. The fact that I’m still hopelessly in love with him being one of those areas, but come to think of it, as he IS a sadistic bastard, he probably does know and is basking in the fact that he’s torturing me with his questions and of course, not to forget the torture by flaunting under my nose his latest conquest.  
I guess though it’s partly my own fault he does it, I’ve told him numerous times that it’s okay, that I’ve moved on and that we can still talk like normal. So really what it comes down to is that it sucks to be me.  
He’s still looking at me. Expecting an answer so I scramble around for something plausible and end up just giving him a sad smile and shrugging, “I don’t really know what you expect me to say.. You don’t believe my lies and you don’t want the truth so can we just pretend I came up with something witty and interesting and leave it at that?” I look away from him, not wanting him to see my eyes as they give me away all too easily with him and I wait for him to speak and I’m surprised when I feel the couch shifting and before I know it, he’s moved the ashtray and is now sitting a hairsbreadth away from me and oh fuck, his hand is reaching out and on my leg and at that touch, my pulse begins to race and a tremor spreads from the touch and works its way through my body. I risk a glance at him and find him once again looking intently at me in the way that makes me feel he’s reading the very depths of my soul and in that instant I feel more vulnerable than I had in a long time.   
I swallow nervously and look away, my cheeks flaming a brilliant red as he smiles softly at the change in my breathing. Damn him and his implicit knowledge of my body. He knows exactly what he’s doing to me and he knows that all it takes for me to become a quivering mess is for his hand to move along my thigh - ah yes, and here it comes. His hand slowly slides towards my hip and I curse myself inwardly as I shudder involuntarily at the touch, “Wh-What are you doing?” I manage to find my voice and send another curse to my inner self as my it betrays me and shows the effect his touch had on me with a definite waver.  
He looks up at me with those big green eyes of his, all wide eyed and innocent and my heart lurches as he smiles sweetly, “I thought this was what you wanted?” he all but purrs and I have to bite my bottom lip, my eyes closing as I count to ten and when I open them again, he’s still looking at me with that same expression. “Want what exactly? What do you mean?” I seem to have regained some control over my voice and it doesn’t let me down this time. He answers me by trailing his fingertips over my thigh and across the front of my sweat pants and the touch causes my cock to react and it immediately starts to harden, “Fuck! What are you doing? No!” I exclaim as I push his hand away and stand from the couch, moving to pace in front of the television. “Why are you doing this? Why are you here? Do you get off on breaking my heart over and over?” my words spill out in a frustrated barrage, “You wanted to just be friends so lets just be friends. You can’t do this. You can’t come here and seduce me like this-” he interrupts me with a shake of his head, “I’m not here to seduce you Stef, I just thought you might like a bit of a pick me up after a bad day…”   
I stare at him in disbelief, “What about your Loverboy? Surely he deserves more respect than what you’re giving him right now.. Or is he just another one of your toys for you to play with and toss aside when you get sick of it?” My heart aches and I reach up and rub my eyes, “I may love you more than anything, but right now I kind of hate you. I hate the hold you have on me and I hate the fact that right now I’m doing everything in my power to stay on this side of the room when you know damn well that all I really want to do is continue what you were intent on starting. I don’t want to be a fill in fuck when your current plaything is busy and I sure as shit don’t want you to give me a sympathy fuck. I can’t play this game.. You’re the one that ended it, you’re the one who said we ‘weren’t going to work anymore’ YOU. Not me. I didn’t end things then, but I am going to end them now. We’re not walking down this path tonight. I deserve more than that so I’m going to sit back down, finish my glass of wine and watch my movie. You can stay if you want but as long as you keep your hands to yourself and respect the rules that YOU put into place..” My words trail off as I completely run out of steam and I hate that he was still sitting there with a somewhat smug look on his face. Fuck he infuriates me to no end sometimes. I tense my jaw as I walk back to the couch and picking up my forgotten glass of wine, I settle back down against the cushions. I risk a glance sideways and he’s still looking at me with that same self satisfied - smug look on his face, like the proverbial cat who finally got that canary. I wish he’d say something even though I have a feeling that I won’t like what he has to say, it’s bound to be something to match the look he’s giving me, self-righteous and over confidant and it’s in that moment that I realise that he’s got me where he wants me. Frustrated both emotionally as well as physically. For someone I call my best friend, he sure is an arsehole to me at times.   
This was something he did when we were ‘together’, he’d get me so worked up and frustrated, he’d antagonise me to the point where I was going out of my mind then he’d turn the charm on and next thing I know, we’d be fucking and he’d be the one to reap the rewards of the frustration he’d built inside me. Bastard. I can’t believe he’s doing that now, actually, no, I can believe it. It’s so typically him. I hate him. Only not really.  
“Are you even going to offer me a glass of that?” His voice trills in my ear as he reaches for the nearly empty bottle of wine, “You know this place as if it was your own, you want a drink? You know where the glasses are..” I tell him as I press play on the movie, determined to not let him win this round and as hard as it was, I manage to make it through to the end of the movie, ignoring his gibes at the movie and the comments that ‘Hugh Grant would be a terrible shag’ and that ‘no one could seriously find him attractive nowadays’. Two cases of my supposed best friends attempt to rile me back up. But it wasn’t going to work, he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Not tonight anyway.


	3. Chapter Three

Several days had passed since he’d shown up on my doorstep and I’d managed to get through the nights without any more dreams, at least, none as forceful as the last. It seems that no matter what I’m dreaming about, he’ll always find his way into them. If I’m being chased by evil zombie rabbits, they’ll morph into his face as they approach me - I hate to imagine what a dream doctor would surmise of that little bit of my psyche, probably something morbid.. I mean, it’s not natural to dream that the person you love is a zombie at heart and is out to eat your soul… and brains… there’s definitely something messed up there. But I suppose it might make sense seeing as he’s metaphorically eating my soul with the games that he plays and the way he acts towards me when he gets in his ‘moods’. It’s not just the bad dreams that he infiltrates, he’ll appear beside me as I’m soaring through the skies in the midst of my Superman phase. He’ll be there… regardless of the situation and at first I liked it. I actually looked forward to seeing where he would appear in my dreams and it was something that I’d try to remember when I woke up each morning but now it’s getting beyond a joke. I can’t escape him. He’s just so… present… in my life. He’s in my work circle, my social circle, my family circle.. I’ve tried but there’s really no way around it. He’s going to be in my life and I can’t deny that I still love the fact. I know I’m a walking contradiction. One minute I’m saying I want to be free of him then the very next breath I’m saying how I love that he’s in every aspect of my life. I’m fucked either way I look at it. Without him I’d be empty and constantly wondering how he was, where he was, what he was doing. And it would drive me batty not being able to see him and see that he was okay. Then of course with him IN my life so much, I’m faced with the fact that I have to endure through the stories he likes to regale us with of his escapades with the twink of the month. I have to control my emotions when I see him turn up to work, rumpled and so clearly on a post-coital high. And like I’ve already mentioned, there’s the smell… I know it’s strange and probably creepy, but I can always tell when he’s had sex by the way he smells. Even if he’s showered and put aftershave on. There’s something about his natural scent that just triggers something inside me and I know without a doubt that he’d gotten lucky sometime in the past 24 hours. So as you see, I’m really damned if I do and damned if I don’t have him in my life to any kind of extent. AND this isn’t even factoring in that together we have a baby that is the band we’ve nurtured and cultivated for so long.   
It’s frustrating to no end and so often I feel like I’m being tugged out to sea by a fierce undertow when all I want to do it stand on the shore and watch the waves, but no, that would imply that life was easy and that’s definitely not something that’s in the cards for me. An easy life. Yeah, I can dream I suppose… right?  
Plans were underway for the tour that we were about to embark on and I was glad to be getting out on the road, I’d been getting the proverbial itch the past couple of weeks and it was going to be good to get on stage and stretch my musical wings. My masochistic self is looking forward to it too… to being ensconced in a small space with him. To be able to see him every day. To have him somewhat to myself and to have him far away from his twinks. Although, it can be rather awkward when he picks up out of the crowd. He doesn’t do that as much nowadays, but who knows when there’ll be that one that will catch his attention and end up backstage. When that happens, I just have to steel myself and look the other way. It used to be the times where I’d turn to my chemical friends, but now that I’ve bid them a firm farewell - I’ll have to find another way to cope… monopoly anyone?   
So yeah, here I am standing in my bedroom, attempting to pack and it’s as though my closet as exploded and spewed its contents throughout not just my bedroom but the living room and hallway also. I hate packing and you’d think I’d have it down to a fine art nowadays what with the amount that we do, but I just can’t for the life of me travel lightly. I go away for a weekend and I take enough clothes to last me at least a week. Pitfalls of being a gay man with an extensive wardrobe. The crazy thing is though, that I’ll pack all these outfits and end up wearing the same things for shows and I’ll get my favourite suits and stick with them for a whole tour just changing up the shirts I wear and then for casual it’s pretty much simple black. I’ve been trying to mix up my wardrobe and branch out from the monochromatic scale of black, white and grey… who knows, maybe I’ll develop an infinity for Hawaiian shirts…  
A knock at the door saves me from trying to decide between identical white shirts and with a relieved sigh I head to the front door and can’t help my stomach from flipping as I see him through the peephole. “Hey! What are you doing here?” I ask as the door swings open. “I didn’t expect to see you today..” he laughs softly, “Well you see, I was looking at my fully packed cases and my spidey senses were tingling and I knew that you’d be struggling to pack so here I am to lend my assistance. Because we both know that when it comes to packing - I really am the queen..” I laugh at his description of himself and nod, “You’re right.. You’re the queen of packing things.. That’s obvious by the front of your trousers…how many socks are packed in there today?” I tease back, my heart beating quickly.  
He rolls his eyes and pushes past me into the house, “Yeah yeah, laugh it up. Not all of us can be as endowed as much as a donkey..” he heads into my bedroom and beckons me to follow, “And you’re lucky that I’m in a good mood otherwise you’d be left to pack alone after that comment..” he calls over his shoulder as he enters my room, “Fuck Stef.. This is insane.. I swear you’ve got more clothes in here than the whole of Harrods big and tall section..” he shakes his head as he looks around at the explosion of clothing. “Yeah, I kinda went shopping yesterday.. You know how I am with the end of financial year sales..” I shrug as I move one of the large cases a little so I can sit on the end of the bed.   
“But of course, the new clothes are waging a fight against my old favourites so I’m torn as to what to take on tour with me.” I admit as I scratch my chest and he nods knowingly, “Yeah, I know all too well how you are, which is largely part of the reason I’m here.. Just call me your fairy god mother..” he winks as he begins to sort through the clothing strewn over the bed and within half an hour, my case was all but packed. I shake my head in amazement, “I honestly don’t know how you do it.. I’d have still been here come midnight and I probably would have only packed jocks and socks..” He flashes me a winning smile and his eyes dance, “Well you see, I know what looks best on you so really, I was selfish and just packed what I knew you’d look hottest in..” he winks at me as he closes the suitcase and sets it off to the side on the floor and settles himself on the bed that was now nearly free of clothing.  
We don’t speak for several moments and as it starts to get a little awkward, he clears his throat and speaks, “So.. I’m officially single again..” my eyebrow raises and I busy myself with playing with the hem of my shirt, “Oh? What happened?” my voice is even and calm and thankfully doesn’t betray the curiosity that was burning inside me and not to mention the excitement that builds out of habit.  
He shrugs, “I realised that he wasn’t the one for me.. And as good as he was in the sack, he had the personality of a dish cloth.. I need someone who’s gong to challenge me mentally as well as physically…”  
I glance over at him and nod my understanding, “Yeah, it’s hard to find someone who’s the perfect fit.. The person who’s ‘made out of the same cloth’ as they say..” I chew on the inside of my bottom lip and fidget a little as he turns to look at me, “The hardest thing is that I know I’ve got the right person for all that.. I know who it was that was cut from the metaphorical cloth as you say.. The thing is, I’ve burnt that bridge and I know that I don’t deserve this guy.. So I’ve decided that I’m going to go on a self imposed sabbatical and swear off sex for awhile.” He looks at me to get my reaction to this news and I don’t know how to respond for some time. Turning to face him more fully, I run my hand over my head, “How long do you think this will last? I remember you saying you were going to do this same thing a few years back and it lasted what, two weeks?” He screws his nose up at me and shakes his head, “This is different this time. I’m getting too old to be fucking around.. To be screwing every young thing that comes my way.. Believe it or not, but I’m actually thinking about the long term and about settling down..” My heart thuds in my chest and I shake my head a little in disbelief, “Wow.. I honestly don’t know what to say to that.. The consummate playboy wants to settle down… are we talking white picket fence and house in the suburbs? I do believe that we’d better get some new umbrellas for when the pigs fly over head.. I don’t fancy pig shit in my hair..”  
He sighs and flips me the bird, “Fuck you. It’s not that foreign a concept. I’m getting no satisfaction out of casual encounters anymore, so it’s either go completely abstinent, which isn’t my favourite option, or do the opposite and find someone to settle down with..”  
I stand up from my position on the bed and shake my head a little, “You’ll have to forgive me right now, this is a huge thing to spring on me.. I never though that you’d say those words.. That first off you’d admit you were getting old, and then the fact that you want to settle down in a committed relationship..” I turn to face him, my brow furrowed, “How come you couldn’t have come to this realisation a couple of years ago? You could have had it back then… fuck, I offered it to you..”  
He looks up at me, his green eyes so full of conflicting emotions and he shrugs before looking away, “I didn’t want it with you..” his words sting and it’s as though he’s physically slapped me. My face burns and I’m left speechless at his admission and my stomach churns, “Oh.. I see.. Well.. I guess it’s good to know that..” He doesn’t look at me. And for that I’m grateful as I know that if he looked at me I doubt I’d have been able to control my sudden rush of emotions. He slowly stands from his position on the bed and reaches for his satchel, “I’d better get going, it’s getting late and I don’t feel like walking in the dark..” he still hasn’t looked at me. I step back to allow him room to leave, “Okay.. Thanks again for coming and getting my clothes sorted.. I couldn’t have done it without you…” my words trail off as my throat gets tight and finally he glances up at me, “No worries.. It’s what friends are for, right?” I nod and mumble something in response and he’s heading towards the front door, “Well.. I’ll see you in a few days or something.. We’ll grab coffee or dinner..” his hand is on the door knob and he glances over his shoulder at me and I can’t help but wonder what I look like, standing in the middle of the hallway in a state of dejection. I slowly raise my hand and wave half-heartedly, “Yeah.. Sounds good..” I tell him and then he’s gone and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and attempt to reinflate my crushed soul as his words continue to spin around my head ‘I didn’t want it with you’ and I’m forced to admit that things are well and truly over with him. That I don’t stand a chance anymore and the ache that I’m filled with is almost paralysing and I end up crawling onto my bed, burying my face into the familiar pillows as reality hits me hard.


	4. Chapter Four

A sleepless night later, my alarm clock clicks on and the radio starts to play, filling the still air with a song that is both familiar and foreign to me. I lay there, curled in the foetal position and listen to the words and as they register to my ears the ache in my heart is renewed and it’s as though the song was sent to torment me personally, “Well it's hard to see you don't belong to me 'Cause I gave you the best part of my life. Well, I tried to be everything that you want me to be but I don't have to give you reasons why 'Cause all that's left is me, myself, and I” I know that the song wasn’t sent as a sign from above and that it was purely coincidental, but even so, I can’t help but feel like it was some form of divine intervention. “I'm not gonna try to forget, maybe happiness Is worth the chance of a bitter end? 'Cause here at the end of the road I don't really care who is right I'll give you the last word tonight “ And that’s what I was going to do. I was once again going to let him have the last word and even though it pains my heart and soul to say it, let alone put it into action, but I’m going to let him go. I’m going to once and for all say and MEAN that I’m over him. That the relationship we have is purely platonic. He’s my best friend. My colleague. Nothing more, nothing less.  
I mull this decision for a few minutes as I lay in the warmth of my bed and I think that I can actually do it this time. I think I can make my heart believe that I’m over him and I carry this new, positive outlook on things throughout the following days and am surprisingly chipper when it comes to the thought of tour and the day dawns that we set out for our first date, a series of festivals throughout Europe was going to stretch our legs and get the musical blood pumping through the band and hopefully the fans will be receptive and everything will go off without a hitch. Of course though, things never do go to plan… right?

**

“Hey Stringbean! Wait up!” I turn as I hear the familiar nickname and voice calling and can’t help but smile as he approaches, “I thought you were going out with the others? Wasn’t there talk of a meat fest, in the purely food sense only?” I ask as I sip my water, we’d recently come off stage and had been enjoying the other bands before heading back to the hotel for a much needed rest as we hit the thee week mark in the festival circuit.  
He brushes his hair from his face and steals my water to take a sip and shrugs, “Yeah, the others are all headed off to some steak house, I opted out when I heard you weren’t going.. I thought you and I could have a quiet night in or something? We’ve hardly had a chance to talk lately, just us, one on one..” He falls into step beside me as we walk through the festival grounds, glad that the crowd was too into the music to pay attention to us as we walked amongst them. My lips tug into a smile and feel a warmth settle on me at his pointing out the lack of time we’d had together and it makes me feel good that my heart wasn’t racing and that my mouth hadn’t gone dry with excitement as had been the case for so long when he‘d single me out for time together. It was satisfying to realise that my resolve to put the lustful thoughts aside has been holding fast, not denying that it had been had at times, but for the most part I’ve found myself free from the old shackles that bound my heart and soul. The dreams had even eased off, not completely, but they’re nowhere near the severity that I’d been plagued with and they were more along the lines of friendship, not nearly as many that leave me breathless, gasping, pulling at the sheets and sweating as I wake from them. Which is a good thing seeing as we’ve been spending time on the bus and I can tell you, sound carries on a bus. Especially when it’s sounds of THAT nature! He was looking at me now and I realised he’d asked me something that I’d missed while internally praising myself and I push my sunglasses up onto the top of my head, “I totally flaked on you there… did you say something?” He smiles a sunny smile and rolls his eyes playfully, “I was wondering when you’d return from the faeries..” he teases lightly, “I just asked if you wanted to get some takeout and head back to the hotel? We can watch a cheesy movie on pay per view or something..” I nod and adjust the strap on my satchel bag, “Yeah, that sounds good actually. I noticed that they were screening Mamma Mia when I was flicking through this morning, I was planning on watching that tonight, but we can choose something else if you don’t want to sit through that..” He laughs and reaches out and lightly punches my arm, “You think you could tolerate watching that with me? You know I’ll take the piss out of the songs and acting at every chance.. I mean, it’s worse than Notting Hill..” I roll my eyes and lightly nudge him with my elbow, “You’re just jealous that nothing will ever replace the love I have for ABBA, no matter what form that comes in, even if it is a certified fact that Pierce Brosnan should NEVER be allowed to sing in public. Ever. But I think I might be able to handle your shit stirring tonight, I’m actually in a good mood and your barbed humour will be entertaining tonight.”

We make our way back to the hotel, stopping to pick up some Chinese food for dinner and end up back in my hotel room shoes off and sitting cross legged in front of the coffee table to eat as the movie starts and right off the bat come his comments and instead of getting offended as I would have in the past, I enjoy the commentary and inject some of my own into the mix as we settle into a familiar routine of bantering throughout the entire movie and he of course gave me a good natured ribbing as I sung along to every song and as the credits start to roll I look over at him and find him watching me intently. I arch an eyebrow, “What? Have I got noodles on my face or something?” I ask while self consciously wiping my face down. He shakes his head softly and gives me a smile, “No, nothing like that.. I was just thinking how different you seem tonight.. Something’s changed and I like it…” he tells me as he shifts a little and moves to lean back against the couch, “You seem more relaxed than you have in awhile..” I feel my face flushing a little and my bottom lip gets drawn into my mouth, “I think it’s probably just the fact we’re on the road.. That I’m getting to play every day.. Or something like that..” I shrug a little dismissively and hope that he drops it, I didn’t really feel like getting into an analysis of my moods tonight, not when I was actually feeling good for a change. “We should probably clean this mess up, and do you want a cup of tea? I’ll make us one..” I announce as I uncurl my long legs and start to stand but my body has other ideas and my backside and left thigh begins to cramp, “OH OW FUCK!” I exclaim as I try to untangle myself and stand up to stretch but only succeed in tripping and falling against the coffee table, “Shit! What’s wrong?!” He asks in a worried voice and his hands move to help me, “Cramp. Cramp. Cramp.” I chant as my face goes red as I try to relax the tensing muscles. He winces in sympathy but immediately shifts his position to lean over and his strong hands start working at the muscles I wasn’t able to reach and with his expert touch, the pain starts to subside and soon my breathing has returned to normal and the feeling comes back to my backside and thigh. Just in time in fact, to realise that his hands were now paying even more attention to parts of my body than was needed for a normal massage and as his hands squeeze and slide in what could only be classified as a possessive touch over my backside, causing my breath to hitch and my stomach to flip as my eyes flutter. “It-it’s okay.. The cramps gone.. Thanks..” I manage to mumble as his fingers move to parts of my arse that was definitely not considered territory for a social massage.   
He doesn’t say anything in response and his hands don’t seem to be stopping their motions anytime soon and I try to calm my racing heart and mind but they’re only assisted in their speeding when he speaks, “You know.. I’ve always loved your arse.. It’s just.. Perfect..” he murmurs as his hands smooth over the curve of my cheeks and down to the backs of my thighs then he repeats the action several times. My hands flail for a moment before they curl into fists in the front of my shirt, my cheeks flushed and my bottom lip firmly between my teeth.   
“I never really let myself appreciate just how perfect this arse is.. Or just how much I liked it until it was gone.. Until I wasn’t able to touch it this way..” his voice is soft and lilting and I honestly didn’t know what was happening or where this was heading. “Um.. Th-thanks.. It serves me well.. But as far as arses go, yours is by far the superior one..” my voice sounds foreign even to my own ears and my accent shows through as it usually did in times like this, something that can be a curse as well as a blessing at times.  
“You don’t have to thank me for saying something that I should have long ago. Something that you deserved to be told.” I don’t know what to make of his comment and my head swims in confusion. “Why now then? And why are you still touching me this way?” I ask as I get the strength to pull away from his intoxicating touch and I slowly turn to face him, my eyes wide and my face flushed. He was still kneeling on the floor in front of me and his own face was flushed as he watched me with his big green eyes. We stay that way for a long moment, looking at each other, his expression something I couldn’t translate and my stomach flips as he scoots forward, “I’ve just been realising how much I miss you.. How much I miss us..” his hands are on my legs near my knees and my chest aches with need for a full breath into my lungs, but that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.   
“We’re over though.. You didn’t want me.. Didn’t want a relationship with me that was anything other than platonic.. You said it yourself that you didn’t want forever with me.. That I was your friend.. Your brother.. Nothing more..” My voice trembles as my words spill out and his hands move higher, now resting on the outsides of my thighs and his eyes have that unmistakable look of lust and hunger in them. Fuck. My head is spinning and I don’t know what to do or where to look or what to think. I watch his pink tongue dart over his lips and he gives me a slow smile, “You know you miss this. You miss me and the way we were together.” I shake my head and try to calm myself, “I don’t.. I mean, I did.. But I don’t now.. I’ve moved on.. What we had is in the past.. It’s history..”  
His hands are now on the button on my pants and spots of colour paint the apples of his cheeks, “I’ve decided that history is definitely repeating itself tonight…” I’m completely at a loss for words and I stare down at him as his expert fingers unfasten my pants and it’s not until his hands are tugging my slacks over my hips that I realise what was happening and my brain starts to function, “Fuck.. What are you doing?! We can’t do this!” I protest as I make a feeble attempt to move his hands from their position on my underpants and he looks up at me with a smug expression, “I’d think it was pretty obvious what I was doing, but if you can’t tell then it’s definitely been too long since someone’s gone down on you..” his eyes are bright with an underlying humour and I know I should stop him. I should end this right where it is, but as he palms my growing arousal through the front of my jocks, all rational thought leaves me and I can’t stop the groan from escaping the back of my throat.   
“See. Don’t fight it Stef, you want this as much as I do, probably even more..” his voice purrs up at me as he inches my underpants off my slim hips and my toes curl into the carpet beneath them as my cock reacts instantly to the cooler air against it. “We can’t…” I start to protest once again but the words are weak even to my own ears and at the first touch of his calloused fingers against my cock, all protests completely vanish along with any form of clear thinking on my behalf.  
It doesn’t take long under his skilled touch for my cock to become rock hard and aching for more and I find myself, in the back of my mind, cursing him for knowing my body so intimately. He knows me better than anyone and he knows exactly how to get me where he wants so before any time at all, much to my dismay, I’m begging him for more, the noises passing my parted lips unchecked. “Ohh fuck..” I gasp as my hips press into his touch, his fingers not missing any of the sensitive spots on my length and I can’t help but feel good about the fact that he still knew where to press and how to press into those areas.   
“Please.. Please don’t tease me anymore.. I need more, I need to feel your mouth..” I hate that I’ve been reduced to begging, but I can’t take it any longer. I haven’t been touched by anyone other than myself for well over a year and the fact that it’s HIM breaking my drought is nearly enough for me to shoot my load then and there. He looks up at me as he darts his tongue over his lips, “Do you really want it? You want me to suck your beautiful cock?” He purrs and I nod, “Oh god yes.. Yes.. You know I do.. I want it so fucking bad..” I stumble over my words and reach down and tangle my fingers into his hair, the strands softer and silkier than I remembered. His tongue darts out and flicks against the warm skin of my now achingly hard cock and I can’t stop the cry of delight from rushing forth. “You sure you want that? I can stop if you want me to? I don’t want to take advantage of you..” his voice breaks through my hazy mind and I look down at him, my chest heaving. His face has taken on an impish shine and I shake my head, “No no.. please don’t stop.. I need you.. Need this..” I whimper huskily and for a moment he pulls back and I panic that he was going to leave me worked up and without release but the fear is short lived as he moves in what seems to be slow motion and his red lips part and my entire body is flooded with a myriad of emotions as they wrap around the head of my cock and begin to give me the pleasure that I’ve been wanting and dreaming about for so long.  
I wish I could say that I was able to make the moment last and that it was a drawn out climax, but much to my chagrin, his expert mouth had me crying out and my fingers tightened in his hair as I thrust several times into his mouth, the sensation of my cock hitting the back of his throat causes my head to swim with undeniable pleasure and before I can warn him, my body stiffens, my balls tighten and I cum heavily. His eyes widen a little at the force my seed enters his mouth but he’d known it was imminent at the fact he knew my body so implicitly and he swallows some of my seed before using the rest to coat my shaft, his hand moving slowly and deliberately, drawing out my climax as only he really knew how to.  
After several moments, his hand stills and he swipes his tongue against my swollen head and he pulls back with a satisfied smirk on his face as he watches me get control of my breathing. I shake my head a little, my face flushed and my eyes half lidded. I look down at him for a long moment before I feel shame and embarrassment wash over me, “Um… thanks.. I’d better go clean up..” my voice has a distinct tremor in it and I can’t meet his eyes as I knew I wouldn’t like what I saw in them.   
He reaches out and gives my hip a playful slap and I can’t help but look at him and my stomach lurches at the self satisfied look in his eyes, “You go do that sugar, and no need to thank me. The pleasure was all mine… well, not ALL mine.. You seemed to enjoy it too..” he smirks as he wipes the corner of his mouth with his thumb and moves to sit on the couch, “You know.. You must be eating more fruit.. You taste sweeter than I remember..” he winks before reaching for his bottle of water, taking a long sip while still looking at me with that expression of smugness in his eyes.  
I mumble something in reply and tear my eyes away from his as I reach for my pants and pull them up as I hurry into the adjoining bathroom where I clean myself up and sit on the floor beside the bathtub and try to wrap my head around what had just happened and what it meant while the biggest niggling feeling in the back of my head was that I’d just been played. A feeling that is confirmed when I finally leave the bathroom to find the room deserted and him nowhere to be seen.


	5. Chapter Five

The next day, travelling on the bus was awkward. Well for me it was at least. He acted like nothing had happened and that everything was still the same between us but I was mortified that I’d let myself fall to his charms and that I’d allowed him to do what he did. I spent most of the time laying in my bunk with headphones on, listening to anything to drown out the sounds of his laughter. The sound of his happiness and to try and convince myself that I hadn’t spent the night laying awake, replaying the incident over and over in my head along with trying to figure out how I could go on and how I was possibly going to keep it together for the next few solid months of touring in close confines with him.  
I hated him right now. I hated him for the position he’d put me in and I hate him for seemingly changing his mind. I just didn’t understand why all of a sudden he’d decided that giving me a blowjob in my hotel room would fit into his definition of ‘friendship’ - I wasn’t prepared for this and the way my head was reeling was testament to that fact.  
I must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing I know I was being awoken rudely by a playful slap on the cheek, “Come on Aurora, Wake up..” I crack an eye open and look up at him, “Aurora?” I repeat, “Random name choice you twat..” he rolls his eyes and shakes his head, “Your knowledge of Disney princesses is lacking. Aurora. Otherwise known as Sleeping Beauty.. So no, it wasn’t random at all. Minge. Now get up, we’re going in for food.” He turns and whistles a nameless tune as he heads down the bus hallway and I groan and cover my eyes for a moment. At the mention of food, my stomach had lurched and began to claw at itself and even though I’d much rather hide in my bunk and not have to deal with his chirpiness, or even LOOK at him, I uncurl my long limbs and extricate myself from the bunk, stretching slowly as I land on my feet, making a noise as my spine cracks and shifts back into correct alignment. There was always something satisfying about stretching. I’d often envied cats and their ability to stretch their entire bodies in what could only be described as bliss, I’d also envied the fact that they got to sleep 18 hours a day, but I digress. Food awaits.

*

Sometime later on that day, I’d decided to pull myself out of my self imposed exile and rejoin the group as the bus continued along to the next city. I still felt uncomfortable around him and was struggling to meet his gaze. He knew this and took every chance he could to make my situation worse, he directed questions at me. Asked me what I wanted to watch on the TV, asked me if I wanted a drink. The little bastard is twisted. I said earlier that he was a sadist and this was just reinforcing the diagnosis.   
I tried to laugh his actions off and just put it down to him being in one of his moods but the longer the day went on the harder it became and by early evening I was done with the torture and feigned a headache and excused myself to my bunk where I lay there trying to keep myself composed. I hated myself right now for the fact that I’d been weak enough for him to get past my guard. That he’d been able to destroy all the hard work of forgetting him and moving on in just one brief encounter. It was just my luck though, just when things start to look like they’re on the up, something has to go and shit all over my efforts and send me right back to the proverbial drawing board. I sighed and stretched out as best I could in the bunk and slip my hand under my pillow in an effort to get comfortable when my fingers come in contact with something. Confused, I pull my hand out and switching on the small light I see that I held a sheet of folded notebook paper with my name scrawled in his distinctive handwriting across the front. My heart jumps into my throat and I tentatively open the note and lift it towards the light to read it and the following words render me speechless and I feel a numbness spread over me as I hurriedly read through the words in the dim light then realising I hadn’t breathed since starting, I force myself to breath before reading a second time, slower and taking it in properly:

 

__

_S._  
I know that this wasn’t the way either of us planned for things to turn out and that it’s all my fault. I never thought that what I wanted from you was anything more than just funcking.. You know, fucking for fun - friends with benefits, call it what you will. I thought that it’s all I was good for. That I didn’t deserve anything more with someone as special as you and I now know that I was right. I don’t deserve you. I’ve been lying to everyone and mostly myself when I say that we’re just mates and that’s it. I want more. I want everything with you. I want to be the one you call when you’re lonely or sad and I want to be the one who holds you when you have nightmares (because I know you still do). I want all of this but I know I can’t have it. I COULD have had it but I was a dick and pushed you away. You’re a beautiful man, both physically and spiritually and you mean the world to me, which is why it’s so hard for me to be admitting all this. I should have seen this back then. I should have been the man that you wanted me to be but I ruined my chance and last night.. I don’t know what last night was about, I think I just wanted to see if I could still have that kind of effect on you and I KNOW that if I was to stop and look at it, I’d see that I violated you. I forced you into it and even though you could have said no, I wouldn’t have let you. I would have talked you into it and I hate myself for that. For the way that I use you and play with your emotions. I know I’m a fucking arsehole who doesn’t seem to remember that the world isn’t my sand box to play in. To build castles then knock them right back down. Because that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing to you the majority of our time together. I’ll build you up, build us up then when I’m bored I go all Godzilla and stomp over the turrets and towers and kick at the walls until they collapse. This isn’t something I’m proud of, not in the slightest but I still can’t seem to stop. It’s like.. I have this internal need for self destruction and maybe it’s all tied back to my childhood when I was told I wasn’t worthy of anything decent. That I was never going to be a success in life. And in a way that’s true. I mean, sure I have material success, but I’m flailing in the areas that are more important.  
For example: I’m a dad to an amazing little boy - but how often does he see me? A weekend in three? Yeah, that’s no way to form a stable and solid relationship with a child. I’ll just be that guy who he kind of looks like with the same last name. So I’m not a success in that sense and I’m clearly not a success in matters of the heart. But thinking about being a father, I don’t think I ever thanked you for helping so much. You know all too well that I never thought I’d have children and I’ll never forget the support you gave me when I found out that I was going to be a Dad. Without you and your grounding words, I dread to think what I might have done. The things I’d been contemplating were stupid and selfish and I’m glad I didn’t do them because I wouldn’t be here now. Wouldn’t be sitting here in the bus while you’re a few feet away from me, avoiding me. Avoiding me because I’m cruel and heartless. Don’t argue. I must be to keep doing this to you. To hold your heart for ransom. To treat you like my own personal Swedish sand castle. I need to stop though. I need to realise that you aren’t my life sized ken doll (because we both know he was as gay as a rainbow) to keep in my cupboard and bring out when I was bored and wanted to entertain myself. I’m sorry. I really am for the way I’ve treated you these past few years and if I’d realised just how much it would hurt you - and myself - I don’t think I’d have done it.. Well.. To be honest, I probably WOULD have still done it, maybe not in the exact same way, but like I said, I’m self-destructing. I’m hell bent on making things hard for myself and especially for the ones I love. Someone once told me that I’d never have a lasting relationship until I could love myself completely. I laughed, winked salaciously and told them that I ‘loved myself’ regularly. Not what they were meaning, but it got a laugh out of them and I was able to change the subject as it’s never been easy for me to admit that I’m not happy with who I am. My façade has been up for so long that I’ve begun to believe my persona and I know it’s a definite case of denial but I don’t know how to change things. I don’t know how to let ME out. How to break through the bullshit and be the person I know is inside, the person I know YOU see. You’ve always seen the real me which amazes me. It amazes me in the sense that you see who I really am and you still want(ed) to be with me so it makes me think that maybe the real me isn’t as bad as I’ve made myself believe? I really don’t know why you stick around. Sure we’ve got the band, but it’s not what I mean. You stick around with ME and is that because you see me? Or is it because you’re a masochist? I’m going to hope for the first option as I really don’t see you being anything other than genuine. You’re the single most genuine person I know and I know that if I needed it, you’d give me a kidney without hesitation because that’s just how you are and again, I have to say how much I hate myself when I look back and think about how I’ve treated you and I just hope that maybe one day you’ll be able to see past that and give me another chance, not that I think I deserve it - but I have to hold onto the hope and dream that you’ll think I’m worthy enough for it and maybe with your help, I can really start to find who I am inside.   
I should probably end this here, my hand is cramping and I think if I don’t go and put this in your bunk, I’ll chicken out and tear it up and I don’t want to do that. I want to show you that I can be human. That I do have a heart. And most of all, that I DO care about you and am sorry for last night.  
I hope you can forgive me and that we can rebuild the castle together. 

_Xx.  
_


	6. Chapter Six

Numb. That’s the only way I can describe how I’m feeling right now. I read and re-read his words and each time I do I’m taken aback at the honesty I feel coming through his words. I finally lower the paper to my chest and lay there, unblinking as I stare up at the roof of my bunk and try to process the contents of the note but I just find myself unable to string two coherent thoughts together.   
He said he loved me. He said he wanted to be with me. I don’t know why those two points alone weren’t causing me to cartwheel with joy. It’s what I’ve wanted for so long, for him to admit his true feelings. But now that he has I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. Is it a case of too little too late? Or maybe, and I hate even thinking this, have I finally, truly gotten over him?  
He talks about how I’m too good for him and if you’d told me that six months ago I’d have slapped you and called you an imbecile, but now.. Now I can’t help but think that that might be the truth. God. Thinking that makes me feel sick, I never EVER thought I would be in a position like this. That I’d actually put myself above another person. It’s not me. I don’t do that. But this time.. I can’t help but think it’s the actual truth. I don’t intentionally set out to hurt people or to mess with their emotions, I never have and I never will because when you’ve been hurt as much as I have, you know the pain and you don’t want to inflict it upon anyone, especially if it’s someone you do care about.  
I rub my face before reaching for my iPod and settle the headphones on my ears and turn it on loud to drown out the conversation coming from the others on the bus because the sound of his voice coming in was enough to drive me to distraction. I needed to figure out what to do about this new information he’s revealed to me. I wish I had someone to talk to right now but the person I talk to is the source of the anguish and it just wouldn’t do to rock up to him and say ‘Oh hey, so there’s this guy.. He just told me he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn’t think he’s good enough for me. How do I tell him that I agree and that even though I love him. I deserve more?’ Yeah. Not a conversation that I think anyone would want to have. Especially not under these circumstances.   
Seriously. Maybe I should just become celibate. It would sure eliminate these problems. I mean, I was practically celibate the past 18 months, seeing as up until last night no other person had actually touched me - oh except for my doctor at my last prostate exam. But there’d be something wrong with me if I was counting THAT as gettin’ a lil’ some some!  
Would being alone really be that bad a thing though? I mean, countless people around the world are voluntarily single. They don’t feel the need for a partner. They’re quite content going along their own merry way. Not worrying about the need to make someone else happy or worrying about leaving hairs in the bathroom sink or having someone get pissed because you squeezed the toothpaste from the middle instead of the end.   
I can do this. I can be single. I’ve been doing it so far without too much hassle and it’s been great. Choosing the movies to watch, buying the sort of bread I want, sleeping across the whole bed, cutting my toenails while sitting in the living room, pissing with the door open… you get the drift. Singledom is great. Right? Right? Ah Fuck. Who am I kidding? I was born to be in a couple. I CRAVE the safety of being a part of an ‘us’. I love nothing more than having a warm body in bed to curl into on a cold winters morning, I love the menial things like having someone who knows how I like to drink my tea and coffee and what I like on my toast in the morning. I love it when someone knows that I have a tendency to talk in my sleep and it’s comforting to me to have a person, a lover, who takes the time to find these things out. Someone who makes it a point to listen to my stupid stories and to laugh at my jokes. Then there’s the physical side of things.. Being alone, being responsible for your own orgasm time after time can be a bit depressing, okay, a LOT depressing. And it’s mortifying when you can’t even be bothered with TRYING to give yourself one because it’s just so unfulfilling when you get to the end of a wank and find that all you’re left with is a sticky hand and a heart full of emptiness. Not to mention the cold bed. The quiet. The darkness.

Are all these things enough though to give him a chance? Another chance. Does he deserve it? Do I deserve it? What if I let myself become his again and he decides in six months, a year, that he doesn’t want me again. That he made a mistake and that he really doesn’t love me like that? Can I allow that to happen?  
I honestly don’t know if I could handle another heartbreak like that. My life was dark enough last time it happened and only now, in the past few weeks, have I been able to put myself back together completely, well, as completely as I could.  
Do I really want to tempt fate again?  
God. Of course I do. I love him. I always will. But can I be with him that way or are we better of as just friends. Fuck I hate that term ‘just friends’ it’s such a cop out saying. I’ve never liked it, not since my first boyfriend gave me the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me.. We should just be friends’ speech. I was 18 and of course ‘purely by coincidence‘, it happened about half an hour after I’d given my virginity to him.  
I should have known back then that I wasn’t meant to have smooth sailing where it comes to relationships because not ONE of my past boyfriends have treated me right and I’m not being uppity here, if I was to tell you my tales of relationship woes, not only would we be here for awhile, but you’d soon see that I just am that unlucky in love. It’s quite possible that I’m just not meant to be in love, or I AM meant to be in love, but in a purely non-reciprocated way. The whole lovelorn spin on things seems to be a common happening in my life. I should have been part of a Shakespeare play. I could play the forlorn and lonesome courtesan who just wants to be loved. Who wants to find their one true love but instead ends up succumbing to dysentery, caught from living with the other whores in a run down brothel. Charming. I know. But if it had been Shakespeare, I’d have probably FOUND my true love, my soul mate, and he’d been a nobleman who’d paid for my services, fallen in love with me, then been forced to marry some dowager to help his family name not fall into disarray after his father had lost their money betting on snail races.   
So maybe my life isn’t that far removed from a Shakespearean tragedy. Although, I’m not a hooker, never have been and don’t plan on it either. And the man I love wouldn’t be the sort to have to pay for sex. But he does have a noble air about him and he’d have looked good back in those times with the finely tailored clothing and the whole sense of dignity about him. I don’t quite know where the dowager would come into play.. And I can’t see him actually doing anything that would benefit his father in such a way. Hmm. I guess it’s back to living in there here and now and leaving Shakespeare to the written page.

**

The next morning sees me with just as much confusion on the whole situation and I don’t know if I’ll ever really be able to grasp the enormity of what was contained in the letter from him. I lay in my bunk as long as is physically possible before my bladder insists on me making the trek to the broom closet sized toilet on the bus and thankfully, there isn’t anyone else up and moving about. At least, there wasn’t when I went in to piss but coming out, I nearly have a heart attack as I see him standing, rumpled from sleep, his hair tousled and an obvious crease in his cheek from where he’s been asleep on his arm, oh and most definitely waiting for me. He looks up at me as he worries on his bottom lip in a way that showed me he was nervous and I fidget a little as I try to think of an opening remark but all my mind comes up with is a steady repetition of the words that had been in the letter. His face flushes a little and he clears his throat, “Morning..” he says softly, his voice wavering a little. “Hey..” great. My reply was as lame as a one legged duck. He continues to look at me and his gaze starts to unsettle me a little and I suddenly realise that he had probably expected me to say something last night when I’d read the letter. And I hadn’t. Great. Now I feel like a schmuck. He pours his heart out in a letter and I seemingly ignore him.. I’m surprised he’s even talking to me right now. I step aside and motion to the bathroom, “You headed in there?” I ask and he shakes his head, “I was actually hoping we could talk… did you find the note I left you?” he asks softly and my stomach flips. “Um.. Yeah.. I did… I’m sorry I didn’t say anything last night it was just.. A lot to take in at once..” I slowly lift my eyes from the stain on the front of his shirt and up to his eyes to find him still looking at me intently. He gives a little shake of his head and shrugs, “It’s okay… I wasn’t sure if you’d find it… or even if you’d still want to talk to me after you read it.. I almost didn’t put it there but I knew you deserved to know..” his voice is still soft and I realise it’s partly to keep the others from hearing our conversation. “I’m glad you wrote it… and I’m glad that you didn’t chicken out, do you think we should go sit in the lounge and talk there? I’d hate to wake the others up.” He nods in agreement and we head through the narrow walkway into the small but comfortable lounge area. I move to grab a blanket from the pile and sit cross legged on the couch, covering my legs with the warm throw and he sits beside me, his bare toes curling into the carpet and his hands covered by the sleeves of his shirt. I lift the edge of the blanket and give him a soft smile, “Scoot closer and share the blanket..” he gives me a small smile and moves closer, leaning against my side in a comfortable way. We don’t talk for several minutes but just listen to the sounds around us and make the most of the warmth of the blanket and it startles me when he finally speaks. “I’m going to guess that because you didn’t come see me last night that um… my letter didn’t have the effect I wanted it to.. And I know I shouldn’t be surprised, I mean.. I’ve treated you like shit that I don’t blame you for not wanting to be with me and it’s okay.. I understand..” his voice trails off as he looks down at the frayed edge of the blanket and spots of colour appear on his cheeks. I sigh softly and rub my face a little, “It’s not that I don’t want to..” my voice sounds unsteady to my own ears and I bite the inside of my bottom lip for a moment to gather my thoughts before starting again, “It’s not that I don’t want to.. I just don’t know if I can.. You hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me and I just don’t know if I can risk that happening again.. My heart can only take so much pain and I don’t know if the sticky tape holding the broken pieces will be able to hold it together if you break it again..” I glance up at him and feel my heart ache as I see the look of loss and defeat on his face and I feel everything inside aching when he turns to look up at me, his green eyes holding so many emotions. “I understand..” he seems to have shrunk into himself sitting there and it’s almost enough to make me take him into my arms and comfort him and tell him that it will all be okay. But I can’t. Can I? I hate seeing the expression on his features. I’d never actually seen that particular look on his face before and I thought I’d seen every one of his sides and faces but this.. It was just cutting me right to the core and I give in to the overwhelming need I have to make him feel better and wrap my arms around him, “I’m sorry.. I really want to say that I can give us another chance but I don’t think I’m strong enough.. Please don’t hate me.. Hurting you is the last thing I wanted to do but I think this is just how we need to be and trust me, this is hurting me as much as it’s hurting you..” my voice trails off for a moment before I clear my throat softly and press a soft, tentative kiss to his head, “Don’t write us off though.. Maybe when I’ve had some time to heal completely.. Time to get stronger.. We can try again because I know I’m never going to stop loving you. You’ve been my dream for so long that I can’t see that ending any time soon so can you do that for me? Can you give me time?” I feel my throat tightening as I speak and soon my voice gives out and I let out a shuddering breath as he lifts his hand and tries to subtly brush a tear from his cheek and he looks up at me and nods, “I can do that. You know I believe that things happen for reason so maybe this, us not being an us, is what we need.. I really should probably spend some time examining myself anyways. I can’t love you the way you truly need it until I learn how to do it properly and without rules and regulations on myself. So yes. Take the time you need and I really hope that won’t effect our friendship..” his eyes are glossy as he looks up at me and I give him a soft smile, “I promise. You’re still my bestie. That’s not going to change anytime soon, if ever.” I give him a soft squeeze before leaning back against the couch where we sit for some time in quiet contemplation of our conversation until the rest of the group wake and we go about our day in as normal a fashion as we can manage.


	7. Chapter Seven

In the past few weeks since the morning of our talk, things with him had been going well. There were still times where I’d feel the longing to be with him but as opposed to what it had been like previously, it was nothing that I couldn’t handle.  
I’d been trying to figure out what had really changed, why I was suddenly not falling over myself to be with him in that way and the only explanation that I could really come up with was that I wanted what I couldn’t have and now that I COULD have it, I wasn’t interested. The idea pretty much sickened me and I was hoping that there was another explanation because I really didn’t want to be one of those people.. The kind who make life hell for people around them and those who thrive on making life difficult for themselves. But I don’t really think that’s who I am. I still love him. There’s no denying that but it’s gotten to the stage now that I can love him and not want to be with him. I haven’t been dreaming about him nearly as much, and when I do dream of him, it’s not anywhere near like the erotica that my dreams used to contain, which in a way is kind of depressing. Hah.  
Something else that I think has been helping me through is the fact that there’s someone else on my horizon. It’s nothing serious, but it’s nice to have someone actually wanting to be with me, to have someone seek me out every day and do little things for me to get my attention, little things that I used to always do for him. I hadn’t intended for anything to happen and so far there hasn’t been anything really to make mention of, a few stolen kisses here and there and a little bit of a grope on the dance floor.  
I think the main thing that’s stopping me is that I don’t want to upset ‘him’. I don’t want to flaunt another person in front of him like I felt he always did for me, but in saying that.. He hasn’t really been stopping himself from picking up randoms.  
The first time I ran into him locked in an embrace with some groupie hurt. I got offended and took it personally, I mean, not long before this happened he’d been pledging his love for me and here he is in the arms of another.   
I sulked for a day or two then came to the conclusion that I don’t expect him to put his life on hold just because that’s what I did and slowly, day by day, it got a little easier. I was able to listen to his stories of accomplishment and joked with him about the men (and women) he was bedding. I think that was part of the reason that I began to take notice of Jordan.   
He was with us for the summer on the road crew and I won’t lie. He’s extremely attractive, olive skin, dark, wavy hair and unlike most of the crew - he had his full compliment of teeth and seemed to actually take pride in his personal appearance. We started spending some time together in between shows and on his downtime and it turned out we had a lot in common and it was refreshing to have someone to talk to that I hadn’t known for over a decade. To get to know someone new and to learn about his life and the things that he enjoyed was a change and telling him about myself was also something that was different to the norm.  
Jordan and I started spending more time together and it was after one show, we’d played a festival and I’d decided to wander and check out the other acts while we had some time so he came along with me and we were in the middle of one crowd, I forget who was playing, and we got jostled and ended up pressed together and in true clichéd Hollywood style, our eyes met and moments later we shared a sweet first kiss.  
We ended up kissing a lot that night while wandering around the festival grounds together and when it was time to head our separate ways, I kissed him one more time before boarding the band bus where I was greeted by amused faces of my band mates and had to endure the barrage of questions from them that I had expected and with a good grace, I brushed every single one off, grateful when they moved on to other subjects, leaving me alone with my thoughts.  
Jordan and I had kept things light and casual for the most part and apart from the aforementioned grope on a dance floor and occasional kisses, nothing had happened. But I had a feeling that was about to change.

We had a couple of days off and Jordan and I had arranged to have our first ‘official’ date. We were going out for dinner and then we’d decided to let the night take us where it wanted to and I’d just finished getting ready when I hear the soft knock at my hotel door and with a last glance in the mirror I head to open it, only to find him there. Crap.  
He looks me up and down and raises an eyebrow, “So it’s true then? You’re dating him?” his tone was accusatory and I won’t lie, it pissed me off a little. I shrug and move from the door to take a sip of my water, “I’m not dating him, no. I’m going on a date with him, but we’re not technically dating..” I probably sounded more defensive than I wanted to, but I couldn’t help it, he had my hackles up. “Have you two fucked yet?” I furrow my brow and my face flushes, “Not that it’s really any of your business, but no. We haven’t been intimate at all.. Which is a lot less I can say for you and your groupie skanks..” I can be just as pissy as him if I want to be. I did learn from him, who we all know is the master after all.  
He rolls his eyes at me and makes a noise of distaste, “I’m sorry, did you expect me to sit around and just wait for you to decide if you wanted me? I’m not you. I don’t get off on the fact of NOT getting off..” hmm, sarcasm as well as personal attacks. He sure was on a roll tonight and this was just what I wanted before my date. Fuck. Speaking of which, he’ll be here any minute and I’d rather that there wasn’t a scene. I didn’t want Jordan feeling any more intimidated by my jackarsed best friend than he was already. He might be little but he’s got an ego the size of Russia. I make a move back towards the door, “You know, unless you’ve got something important to tell me, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave as my date will be here any minute and I’d much prefer to avoid a scene because you sure seem to be in the mood for kicking up the bitchface several more notches than you already have and I don’t want my evening ruined.” I hold the door open and jump a little as I see Jordan standing there, his hand poised to knock.  
An exaggerated noise comes from him behind me as he sees Jordan with a single yellow rose in his hand and he shakes his head as he pushes past me and out the door, “Have fun on your date ladies, watch out Jord, he hasn’t been laid for a couple of years.. He’ll probably cum as soon as you touch him.. Ciao!” his voice echoes through the hotel corridor and I feel my face flame with embarrassment and anger as I watch his retreating back and I take a moment to compose myself before turning to face Jordan, “I’m really REALLY sorry about him.. He’s uh.. In a mood tonight or something.. Ignore him though..” I say softly as I reach out and take the younger mans hand in mine before smiling slowly, “Is that for me?” I ask as I look toward the rose and it’s his turn to flush, “Yeah.. My ma always told me that I should never turn up to a date empty handed, so it was either this or a newspaper.. And I thought this was a nicer touch..”  
My lips curl into a wide smile and I feel incredibly touched by the younger mans gesture and I take the rose from him and thank him with a soft kiss. “I feel so special, I can’t think of any other time when I’ve been given a flower on my first date. I have to say that I really like it.. Thank you..” his expression turns almost shy and his eyes shine, “You’re more than welcome. You deserve to feel special and if I can do that with a flower I’ll do it more often..” His dark eyes watch mine and it’s my turn to turn slightly shy and I feel the flush rise over my neck. “Let me put this in some water and we can head out?” I suggest as I give his hand another squeeze before pulling back and looking for something to put the rose in and end up uncapping my bottle of water and slipping the long stem into that. “There, All set..” I check my pockets for my wallet and phone and satisfied that I had everything, I reach for his hand and we head out for our dinner reservation.


	8. Chapter Eight part 2

My fingers run through his hair as my back arches and I whimper his name as he takes my cock into his mouth and in a surprising twist, he manages to take my entire length in, not stopping until I was buried deeply in his throat.   
“Holy fuck, do you know how hot that is..” I growl breathlessly as I twist my fingers into his hair and tug firmly while my hips slowly rock against his mouth. His eyes are bright as he begins to bob his head over my cock, sucking and swirling his tongue around the veined shaft, bringing me nearer and nearer to release.  
“I don’t want to cum so soon..” I manage to gasp out and Jordan looks up at me through his dark lashes and rewards me with a winning smile as he swipes his tongue over the leaking head of my cock, “Don’t worry Stef, I’m not going to let you get away with just cumming once tonight..” his voice reminded me of honey, rich, sweet and warm and his eyes were dark with his arousal, the combination of the two causing my heart to beat rapidly.  
A shudder speeds through me as he pulls back and I open my mouth to protest but the protest dies quickly when I see him reaching for the package of condoms. He tears open the foil package and gives me a slow smile as he unrolls it on to his own erection and he shifts on the bed and lightly nudges my hip, “Roll over.. I want you on your stomach..” Jordan orders softly as he picks up the container of lubricant and flips open the lid and my stomach lurches.   
Fuck. I hadn’t thought this far in advance. I’ve only ever bottomed with one other person and that had been several years ago. I don’t know why I didn’t realise that this was where things were heading but I knew it was too late to turn back now so I needed to get a hold of myself and relax or this was going to hurt way more than it needed to.  
I shift onto my stomach and rest my cheek on my hand and my heart races as Jordan nudges my legs apart even more, the fingers of one hand moving over my arse in slow patterns before dipping between my cheeks and the first touch to my sensitive entrance causes me to suck in a breath which on exhaling, turns into a whimper.   
“This will be cold..” Jordan warns as he slips a finger, liberally coated with lube into my body and I let out a gasp at both the intrusion and the temperature and for a moment my entire body tenses, “Oh fuck.. Just go slow Jord.. It’s been a long long time..” I whisper, my voice shaking a little as his long finger presses the rest of the way inside me. “Don’t worry Stef, I’ll go as slow as you need me to..” his voice is a soft purr in my ear before he starts pressing soft kisses over the back of my shoulder and then across and down my spine and the tenderness in the way he was moving caused my heart to swell with affection.  
“Are you ready for a bit more?” Jordan asks me and after waiting for my soft noise of approval, he presses his second finger into my body, beginning a slow scissoring motion in order to stretch my body in readiness. “You’re so tight.. I can’t wait to feel this around my cock..” I feel my face flush even more and I slowly open my eyes to look over my shoulder at him and the look on his face causes my stomach to flip with excitement.  
“If you go slow.. There’s no need to wait any longer..” My voice trembles a little but I soon regain control of my nerves and use the muscles to contract around his fingers, “I’m ready for more.. I want to feel you..” As I speak these words, I hear my blood pumping in my ears and I swallow nervously as he gives his fingers a slow and deliberate thrust into my body before pulling them free.  
I watch him for a moment longer as he coats his sheathed cock in more lubricant and as he eases towards my body my eyes flutter closed and I concentrate on making my breathing as slow and even as I can, fighting the urge that was rising to panic.  
I feel the blunt head of his slickened cock against my body and I whimper and curl my fingers into the pillow beneath my head and I can’t help but smile though when Jordan leans over and presses a soft kiss to the spot beside my ear, “I promise I’ll be gentle..” he whispers into my ear as he begins to enter my as good as virginal arse.   
The first few moments pass in a blur of stinging pain and I struggle for a moment to keep my composure but I manage to concentrate on breathing deeply through my nose and out through my mouth and true to his word, Jordan was extremely gentle. Easing in a little at a time to allow my body a chance to become acquainted with the feeling of being invaded in such an intimate way, in THE most intimate way and before long, the pain was passing from a sharp sting to a dull throb that soon becomes something of pleasure.  
“How are you doing Stef?” Jordan asks softly, his voice slightly higher than usual from his obvious arousal and he holds himself still above my body as we lay connected in the true sense of the word.  
My head spins a little and I swallow around my dry mouth, “I.. I’m okay.. It’s starting to feel really good..” I manage to whisper and his hand smooths over my hip as he gives a small circle with his hips, groaning in delight as he does so. “I swear, this feels like a dream right now..” Jordan murmurs as he continues to make movements with his hips and before long, we’re both moving together in an easy rhythm and the room quickly becomes filled with the sounds of our lovemaking.  
I don’t know how long everything lasts as the minutes seem to blur together while at the same time standing still and I know that this was what had been missing in my life, someone who wanted to be with me and didn’t just look at me as a game for their own enjoyment and I loved that feeling. The feeling where I was important and that this was more than just a way to get our rocks off with a quick fuck.  
Our bodies are moving more deliberately now and I feel the heat and friction building rapidly between us and I know that it won’t be long before the heat overcomes us and we both climax. His hands move over my body and he bites at the back of my neck as he begins to thrust deeper into my body, the sensation causing my head to spin even more than it already was. Jordan takes my hands in his and pins them beside my head as he props himself up a little, the angle of his thrusts changing and I let out a soft cry as my prostate is teased on each stroke, the feeling sending pulses of electricity through my entire body until it felt like I had enough charge in me to light a city.  
“Oh fuck Jordan, fuck I’m so close.. You feel so good..” My words spill from my mouth along with moans and breathy gasps and he lets one of my hands go and drags his nails along my spine firmly which causes my hips to buck and he growls deeply, “Your arse is so hot and tight Stef, I don’t want to end but it feels so good that I can’t hold off any longer..” his voice is gravely and I can tell that his release was moments away.  
“Come on then Jord, cum.. I want to feel you cum..” I urge as I move my hips back against him before once more contracting my muscles around his cock, loving the feeling of being so completely filled and it was as I was in the midst of doing just that, that he let out a guttural cry of my name and I felt his body stiffen before feeling his release. “Oh fuck me..” I breathe out as the added sensation of the condom filling inside me causes my own release to overtake me and my entire body stiffens as my seed leaves my body, creating a slick patch on the bedspread.  
Jordan’s hips slowly come to a stop and he collapses against my back, his sweat slicked chest against my equally slick back causing a delicious seal. I lay with my eyes closed, breathing heavily as I try to calm my racing heart while basking in the afterglow of orgasm. Jordan kisses my sweaty neck softly before he moves to reluctantly pull from my body and dispose of the condom and while he does that, I slowly roll over onto my back and cover my eyes with my forearm for a long moment as I continue to bask.  
“Are you okay?” Jordan’s voice is soft as he crawls back onto the bed and lays beside my, his fingers moving down to draw patterns through the cum that was on my skin and I move my arm and smile slowly into his eyes, “I’m fan fucking tastic..” I laugh softly before reaching for him and pulling him close, kissing him deeply, “That was definitely what the doctor ordered..” my lips brush against his and he smiles brightly, “I’m glad you agreed, but I think next time, it’s definitely your turn to top.. I want to see just how good your moves are..” he says with a soft laugh and I grin, “Just give me a few to recharge and I promise that that’s what will happen..” I wiggle my eyebrows and while we lay there in a contented silence, I find my mind wandering to the last time I was in this position and the ache that fills my heart and soul is enormous because last time I’d been made love to? Yeah. It was with him. I shouldn’t be thinking about him like this and ESPECIALLY not now, but I can’t help it. He was the first and only person before Jordan who’d I’d let take me in this way and I couldn’t help the feelings of guilt that started to come over me. Fucking hell. I can’t escape him. Will I ever be able to?


	9. Chapter Nine

The next day I woke late and with a sinking feeling I realise that I’m alone. I don’t know why I feel let down, it’s not like I’d asked him to stay the entire night but I think part of me had hoped for a warm body beside me when I awoke.  
Sighing I stretch and wince a little as I feel the tingling sensations of pain through my lower body but the wince soon turns into a smile as I remember the night of passion I’d indulged in and I allow myself a long moment to replay the scenes from the night before and my smile grows slightly goofy as the images morph into the sweet words that were whispered into my ear as I was drifting to sleep and I sigh happily before the images shift to the face of another man. Him. My smile completely vanishes as my heart lurches and my stomach clenches as he begins to look at me his eyes downcast, “I thought you loved me.. Why did you give yourself to him? How could you do that to me.. To us? You promised me that you’d never allow another man to do that and that it was something that was special between us.. You lied to me.. What else have you lied about..”   
“FUCK! GO AWAY” I exclaim as I force my eyes open, shaking my head to dislodge the image from my mind. Of course he had to come along and ruin what had been the best night that I’d had in a long time even if he was just appearing in my mind. I knew that it was my own fault for letting it happen that I conjured him up this morning because deep down as well as feeling satiated from a night of love making I was feeling incredibly guilty for breaking the very vow that the man in my thoughts reminded me of so clearly. “I’m sorry..” I whisper to the empty room as I rub my face before my arms fall to my sides, suddenly exhausted and feeling emotionally drained.

**

Sometime later after falling into a fitful sleep where my dreams were infiltrated by the two men in my life riding on a see-saw where I was the apex, I’m awakened by the sound of my cell phone alarm indicating that my languid morning of leisure was coming to an end and with a soft sigh I roll from bed and head into the shower, my body stiff and aching and as I stand under the hot spray of the shower my thoughts are a tangled mess and I find my emotions at war with one another. On the one side, I was so happy after the night I’d spent with Jordan and I was excited to see where this relationship was going, but on the other side, my guilt and remorse were eating away at me. I didn’t intentionally set out to hurt him, and when I stop and think about it - I haven’t hurt him. He doesn’t know any different. It’s only my own mental creation of him that knows. And trust me, the imagined him is good enough with guilt trips, I can’t even begin to consider what he’d be like for real.  
With these thoughts swirling around my head I go through my daily rituals to start the day and am soon headed through the hotel foyer to find everyone else waiting for me in the lobby. I say my hellos while heading over to the coffee that was waiting for me, taking a long, thankful drink while trying to keep my face from showing last nights activities but soon, they’re all clued in to the love bites on my skin and the spring in my step and I have to endure some good natured ribbing and I find myself grateful that Jordan had already headed to the venue so he wasn’t around to be subjected to the teasing comments that I laugh along with as I drink my coffee and it’s several moments before I realise someone isn’t joining in. Yeah. You guessed it, him. He stood off to the side, his arms folded across his chest and his face unreadable as he stared at me. I swallow the last of my drink and bite the inside of my bottom lip as I catch his eye and offer him a small, sheepish smile. His expression changes from one to disinterest to one of hurt and I feel my stomach turn as he pulls his sunglasses on and turns away from me deliberately, his mouth set in a firm line.  
I sigh and rub my face as we’re shepherded out to the waiting van and it aches me when he makes an obvious display of sitting as far from me as he possibly can and puts his headphones on, blocking everyone out for the ride to the venue and once we arrive, he darts through the crowd, ignoring the calls from the fans to stop and head hurriedly into the dressing room where he goes about his preparations quietly and alone.  
The others pick up on the frostiness and I can tell they want to enquire but soon think better of it when he downs a couple of shots before dinner and his expression turns surly. Great. This was going to be a ripper of a show. He won’t look at any of us and especially not at me. Trying to finalise the setlist was all but impossible and he was making life exceptionally difficult for all involved and I knew that there was only myself to blame. If I hadn’t gone on the date and if I hadn’t slept with Jordan, this wouldn’t be happening and we’d have our usual friendly backstage atmosphere but no, I had to fuck things up and I continue to berate myself throughout the afternoon and my mood started to plummet even more as the day wore on and soon I was doubting myself, regretting everything and wishing for a rewind button. But when Jordan pops his head into the dressing room not long before show time, my mood shifts and I realise that his mood WASN’T my fault and that I don’t deserve the blame that I’ve been loading onto myself. He’s an adult (even though he’s not acting like it) and he needs to be accountable for his own behaviour and I completely ignore his clear noise of disgust as I welcome Jordan into the room and pressing up against him, I kiss the dark haired man deeply and when he tosses a plastic cup at the table and stalks past us, I don’t take it to heart and make the most of having Jordan in my arms.  
We don’t have nearly enough time together but he does apologise for leaving so early, and explains that he’d been called to work when a couple of the other roadies had come down with a virus. I feel better at his explanation and when he asks if he could see me again tonight my spirits start to rise again and I feel good that he still wanted to spend time with me and readily agree to have a late dinner with him after the show and all too soon, his walkie talkie buzzes on his hip and he’s called away back to work and with one last kiss he slips from the room, just as he decides to come back and grace us with his presence and the look that passes between the two men would have been enough to stop a lesser man in his tracks and I can’t help but wonder if there’s something else going on there that I don’t know. I had been putting it down to jealousy on his part but this seemed like it was something that ran deeper, surely he can’t be that hostile towards Jordan just because I’ve moved on and am seeing someone else? Or maybe he can. If they were animals they’d probably be snarling at each other right now and I hate the tension that rises in the room as they stare each other down until Jordan raises an eyebrow and flashes me a bright smile, “See you tonight Babe..” he winks as he turns once more to leave and unless my eyes deceived me he smirked at him. Great. This looks like it could turn into a giant pissing contest and why do I get the feeling that I’m the prize?


	10. Chapter Ten

The show that night was almost painful as he wasn’t talking to me and had all but constructed a wall around him on stage. Not to mention the fact that he was had polished off a few beers before hitting the stage so he was well lubricated. Lubricated. Heh. Moving on.  
I know it wasn’t our best show and that we only had ourselves to blame. We were feeding off each others energy and since his energy was so dominant and at the moment was so negative, we were all feeling his negativity and it made for a stilted show. The fans didn’t seem to notice, but we all did and by the time we made our final bow, the tension on stage was thick enough to cut with a wet noodle and no one was talking as we filed into the dressing room where we all went about our wind down without the normal banter and fun. I kept catching everyone glancing between him and me, as if they were waiting for an explosion. But hating to disappoint anyone, there wasn’t going to be one on my part. I wasn’t going to bring myself to fight. Not over something that was making me happy and if HE couldn’t accept the fact that I’d found someone else, someone else who didn’t play me for a chump, then so be it. I can’t be held responsible for the actions of a bitter little man. No matter how much I still care for him.   
Ugh. I still care for him. But surely it’s not in the same way that I used to? Right now I was positive that it wasn’t, but thinking back to that morning I’m reminded of the inner dialogue in his form that I’d been assaulted with and I know that there was still a part of me who cared deeply for him. But was that the same as how I was feeling for Jordan?   
I could feel myself falling hard and fast for the tanned man and I hadn’t let myself feel this way about anyone since him.. I hadn’t allowed these emotions to rise since he had told me that we were over. I’m so confused right now and I feel like I’m thinking in circles. What I wouldn’t give for a glimpse into my future so I knew what to do. How do I make myself happy while still being able to keep the band happy? Do I even have to be responsible for that? I’m not his keeper and I shouldn’t be the one who has to sacrifice my happiness just to keep HIM happy. Surely he owes me at least that much? The chance to move on and be the person that he wouldn’t let me be. Fuck. Why does life have to be so hard?  
We all continue to change and relax in our own silent bubbles and when we get back to the hotel, we waste no time in going our separate ways and I sigh as I make my way to my room, looking forward to a long, hot shower and curling up in bed but when I hear my name being called and I turn to find Jordan hurrying after me I remember that we’d made plans and my mood starts to lift a little.  
“Stef! I tried catching you back at the venue but must have just missed you, I was thinking we could just stay in tonight? Seeing as we have an early start in the morning..” Jordan takes my hand in his as he reaches me and he leans in to kiss me softly, “Staying in sounds really good. It’s been a long night..” I say as I gratefully lean into him as his arm wraps around me.   
“I noticed things weren’t the best up on stage, but you guys still gave everyone a good show.. And well, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad that you weren’t being all flirty up there like usual..” Jordan rubs my shoulder with his strong hand and he leads the way down the corridor to my room, taking the key from me and letting us in.  
“Yeah, it wasn’t the best show.. We were all out of sorts..” I say slightly dismissively as I drop my bag onto the nearest surface and head over to the mini bar, getting myself a bottle of water, “Do you want anything?” I ask as I motion to the small refrigerator. Jordan shakes his head as he moves towards me, “No, the only thing I want right now isn’t in the fridge..” he says as his hands move over my chest, making short work of my buttons and before I can blink, I’m standing shirtless in front of him.  
“I’m pretty tired Jord,..” I tell him as I move to step away, but he follows and wraps his arms around me from behind, “It’s okay Stef, you don’t have to do anything.. Just starfish it if you want..” he chuckles but I frown and lightly push him away, “I’d really much rather just cuddle?” He flutters his eyes at me and trails his fingertip down the centre of my chest and smiles slowly, “Well.. How about if we compromise? We do what I want, then we can do what you want? The way I feel right now, I won’t be lasting too long anyway, I swear, you’re turning me into a minute man..” he jokes as he reaches down and cups me through my pants, squeezing me deliberately.  
“Besides, I know it’ll make you feel better, you can unwind from the show in true style and forget about the people who make you feel crappy..” Well, he did actually have a point there, it might help. Not that I like feeling as though I’m being bullied into sex, but it is only the start of our relationship, it’s only natural that he wants more, right?   
I manage a small smile and he takes that as a go ahead and begins to unbutton my trousers while simultaneously undressing himself and once again, I find myself standing in front of him in just my underwear and socks. He winks at me and snaps the elastic of my briefs, “Don’t know about you, but I’m feeling the strongest feeling of déjà vu right now..” I flush and rest my hand on his chest, “Yeah, I was just thinking much the same..” I murmur as I lean in for a kiss only to be rewarded with another snap of the elastic. “No kissing..” Jordan growls softly, “Not yet anyways..” he says as he slowly lowers himself to his knees in front of me, pulling my jocks down as he goes.  
My breathing quickens and I wait for his next move and the seconds stretch for what feels like an eternity before I feel his breath on my length. Jordan runs the very tip of his tongue along the side of my shaft before pulling back and standing, a slight smirk on his features. “I.. what are you doing?” I ask, my voice shaking slightly as he walks away from me and crawls onto the bed, the rest of his clothes falling to the floor. “I was going to give you head, but I’ve decided that I want you to blow me first..” Jordan leans up on his elbows and I watch him for a moment before joining him on the bed, “Okay.. I can do that..”   
I try not to let his change in demeanour bother me but there was just something that wasn’t sitting quite right between us tonight, I end up putting it down to being out of sorts from the show and try to move past my own insecurities. “Make sure you do a good job..” I look up as Jordan speaks and I feel my face flush a little as I wrap my fingers around his cock, stroking slowly and deliberately. “Well, I can’t say that I’ve had any complaints about my skills so far in my life..” I shrug a little as my tongue moistens my lips and I shift my position as I lean down and begin to press slow, tonguing kisses to his heated shaft, spurred on by the soft noise that escapes Jordan.  
It had been such a long time since I’d actually gone down on anyone that I was slightly unsure if I still had what it takes but was relieved to see that it was true about it being like riding a bike, that you don’t forget no matter how long it’s been. Funny though, the amount of things that are likened to riding a bike…  
I move my mind back to the here and now and make the most of the sensation of having Jordan’s length in my hand and I continue to press slow kisses to his veined shaft, his skin was soft and had a slight tartness to it that I couldn’t quite place but it wasn’t altogether unpleasant so I trailed the tip of my tongue along the rim of his swollen head before slowly parting my lips and taking him into my mouth for the first time.  
The moan that issues forth from the younger man was a great encouragement and I begin to slowly bob my head over his cock, making the most of this moment as it had been far too long since I’d been in this position and I was finding myself actually enjoying what I was doing and for the time being there was no niggling tugs of guilt pulling at me, but I’m sure that will come later knowing my luck.  
My mouth moves slowly over his length, drawing him in slowly deeper until I have as much of him in my mouth as I can handle without gagging. My eyes flutter closed and I make a soft noise as I move on instinct and swirling my tongue over his skin I love the fact that he was seeming to enjoy himself. Jordan runs his hand over the back of my head and down to rest on my neck and as I start to pull from his length to catch my breath he tightens his hold on my neck and growling deeply he pulls me back onto his cock while at the same time thrusting deeply into my mouth in a move that surprises me, causing my eyes to fly open.  
I begin to gag as he holds my head firmly while fucking my mouth without any real form of restraint and I feel panic rising inside me as the urge to vomit increases and I fear that I’ll asphyxiate myself if I can’t get free.   
I try to pull back but he holds me firmly as he pounds into my mouth, “Take it all you dirty bitch..” My eyes widen at his tone of voice and I once more struggle to pull back but it only encourages Jordan to thrust deeper and harder into my mouth and throat. I makes a noise as my fear grows and tears start to prick at my eyes and I try to will myself to relax and hope that things would be over soon and thankfully I don’t have to wait too much longer as with a string of obscenities pass Jordan’s lips as he makes a particularly deep thrust into my throat as his body stiffens and he cums deep inside my mouth and throat, the sensation enough to cause me to retch and my eyes water and I manage to pull free in time to vomit over the side of the bed.  
Once I was able to control my raking breaths and the urge to vomit had passed, I slowly straighten up and glance up at Jordan to find him smirking at me, “Well that was fun..” he tells me as he runs his hand through his dark hair as he glances over at the clock on the nightstand and moves to sit up. “I should probably get going, I mean.. I know you wanted to cuddle.. But well, I have an early start..”  
I can’t say anything and I’m glad that my semi erection had decided to completely go as I was in nowhere near the mood for anything else tonight, not that I’d been in the mood for anything in the first place. I swallow deeply, my throat raw and stinging from the beating it had taken and I look up as Jordan begins dressing, a self satisfied expression on his features and I ache mentally and emotionally as I feel him putting up a wall between us and I honestly don’t understand how this went so pear shaped.   
Jordan looks up at me, now completely dressed and he flashes me a wink and a smile, “Have a good sleep Stef, I’ll see you soon..” he gives my cheek a soft pat before leaning in and brushing a barely there kiss to my lips before he turns and leaves the room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts and I try to figure out what had gone wrong. Things had been so wonderful with him, maybe this was just a bad day for him. Yeah. That’s what it must be.


	11. Chapter Eleven

To say I didn’t get much sleep that night would be an understatement, I probably managed about two hours at the most and when I was asleep, I was confronted with strange dreams. Dreams that I don’t even want to remember as they left me breathless and not in a good way.  
Around 6am I decided to give up on trying to sleep and headed into the bathroom, thinking that a long, hot shower would help ease my racing mind and hopefully the steam would help my aching throat. I thought for a moment that I was coming down with something, a cold or a virus, but then I was jolted back to last night and the fact that my mouth and throat were practically raped and any semblance of a good mood completely vanishes and I’m left in the shower with my tears mingling with the water that cascaded over my body.  
What did I do to deserve this? I honestly thought things were looking up for me, I thought Jordan was going to be someone who I could spend my tomorrows with, someone who understood me and wanted to know me and not just wanted me for his own pleasures. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, like I thought last night, maybe he was just having a bad night last night. I mean, we’re all entitled to a bad day now and then, I just didn’t expect it to come along like it did and for myself to be on the receiving end of said bad mood. Then another thought crosses my mind, Did I do something to piss him off?. It’s possible.. Maybe I said something that upset him, or did something.. I don’t know WHAT it would have been but it’s definitely a possibility.   
I stand under the hot shower and run my mind through everything that happened yesterday and the only thing that I can come up with was the slight face-off that happened between Jordan and him before the show. Maybe Jordan got the wrong impression? Maybe he went and said something.. I don’t know.. And the only way I’ll really find out is to ask, but do I actually want to bring it to his attention about what had happened last night? No, I don’t. So What I’m going to do is to put last night down to just one of those things that sometimes happen. I know that the next time will be different. Jordan is sweet after all and he cares about me.

**

I didn’t see Jordan until late in the day, not long before show time as he’d left the hotel a lot earlier than I had as the crew had to go ahead to set up the next venue and when I saw him, my stomach filled with butterflies and I couldn’t determine if they were good butterflies or not. I was feeling nervous and apprehensive about talking to him, but most of all I think I was excited to see him. I wanted to make sure that last night had just been a once off so it’s with a smile on my face that I head across the empty venue to where he was lounging against a speaker, smoking. He looks up as he hears my approach and he rewards me with a bright smile, “Hey! I was wondering when you’d show up..” he greets me with a deep and almost over the top kiss which causes me to flush with slight embarrassment as our lips part and the other roadies were smirking and throwing us looks.  
I clear my throat, “We just got in a little while ago, had to do an interview but then I came to find you..” I smile as I lift my hand and run my fingers over his chest before slipping my long arm around his waist and holding myself close. He indulges me for a moment then extricates himself from my hold and gives me a wink, “Not here.. We don’t want the boys talking about us now, do we?” he asks as he raises an eyebrow and takes a long drag off his cigarette.   
“No.. I guess not..” My voice sounds sulky even to my own ears and I can’t deny the tug of pain in my heart at the way he was acting. But, I decide, that it’s just because his work mates were all watching and he wanted us to have some form of privacy. That thought made me smile and I glance down at my watch, “I should probably get back and start getting ready.. Will I see you later?” I ask as he look into his eyes and my heart races as he nods and leaning in, he kisses me deeply. “You sure will. I’ve got plans for us..” he winks as he pulls back and reaching down, he cups me through my pants, “Plans for this big fella..” he smirks as he squeezes me then pulls back, “But that’s later..”  
I let out a slow breath and try to control my racing heart and smile softly and tell him that I’d come find him after the show, to which he nods, “You do that. I’ll be waiting.” And as I turn to walk away, he slaps me on the backside and grins, “See you later, Princess..” I laugh softly and nod, “You sure will..”   
He was really confusing me. I didn’t know how to read him, he seemed closed off while at the same time being open and friendly. But at least he still wanted to see me later, right?

**

As I headed back into the dressing room, my mind was full of thoughts as I tried to work out what was going on in my life and I didn’t notice that the room was empty save for him, who was waiting for me with an unreadable look on his face. I glance around as I snap out of my thoughts and frown a little, “Where is everyone?” I ask as I move over to my bags to get a piece of gum.  
He doesn’t say anything but continues to watch me and I start to feel a little unnerved by his actions, of lack thereof. I turn to face him and arch an eyebrow, “What? What’s going on?” To say I was unsettled right now would be an understatement. He finally clears his throat, “How’s your throat feeling?” he asks and I feel my stomach flip, “My, my throat? It’s fine.. Why?” I feel my face starting to flush and my heart rate speeds.  
“There’s some rumours going around the crew.. About you and Jordan.. And last night..” He has spots of colour on his cheeks and I see his eyes flashing with what appeared to be anger. I let out a slightly uneven breath and shake my head, “Don’t you know you shouldn’t listen to rumours? They never do anyone any good..” He scoffs at my reply and I feel a wave of panic growing, what has been said? How do people know? Has Jordan been talking about us? Fuck. What does he know?  
My inner monologue is interrupted by him approaching me and reaching out, he rests his hand on my arm, “Steffy, you know that you don’t deserve to be treated like a piece of meat, no matter how much you think you might like someone. I thought that you’d learnt that lesson with me..” his voice is soft and concerned and I feel my stomach muscles cramping with a mixture of emotions, “Um.. I don’t know what you’re talking about.. Last night was fine.. There isn’t anything to worry about..” My voice is unsteady to my ears and I suck my bottom lip into my mouth to worry on it and he shakes his head and focuses his green eyes on me, “The crew are saying that Jordan is just using you.. That he’s just trying to prove a point to someone..” Great. Now he’s going to try and play the part of prince charming, swooping in to save the day.  
I step back and push his hand away, “You know, jealousy is a curse and you should know better. Why do you have to make up these lies to try and hurt me? Can’t you accept the fact that I’ve found someone else? That I’m happy? That I’ve moved on? No. That’s right, you can’t. You don’t WANT me to be happy, isn’t’ that right?”  
I can barely believe the level of anger that I’m suddenly feeling and I know that I have to get out of this room. I have to distance myself from my best friend before I strike out at him and this thought scared the fuck out of me, I’ve never struck anyone in anger and I didn’t want to start now, especially not with him. I don’t understand what has come over me and I shake my head as I feel my limbs trembling, “Just.. don’t talk to me if you’re going to try and cause trouble for me and my boyfriend. I deserve more than that, more than you and you need to accept the fact that I don’t need you anymore.” I try to ignore the look of pain that covers his expression as I turn and stalk from the dressing room, but the look of anguish on his features is something that I can’t dislodge from my mind and as I head for a walk outside, his sorrowful eyes continue to haunt me.


	12. Chapter Twelve

I made it through that nights show and self admittedly I wasn't performing at my best but how was I meant to perform at my best when I had so much going on inside my head?  
I had Jordan's mood swings on one hand then on the other there was him and HIS mood swings. I really don't know where he gets off saying that Jordan is using me and I can't help but think that he's just letting his jealous side show. He had his chance though and it didn't work so really, he needs to back the hell off and let me at least try and be happy with someone else. Sure it might not end up working out with Jordan but I owe it to myself to at least try, right?

I didn't end up seeing Jordan after the show as he sent word that he was going to be caught up late packing the trucks then was going out with some of the boys. That was okay with me as I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep so I ended up heading back to my hotel room and crawling straight into bed where I fell into a fitful sleep almost straight away.   
My dreams were all over the place and in one of them I was playing alone on stage in front of a stadium full of people and my clothes seemed to disintegrate as I played a medley of nursery rhymes for the assembled crowd. Then while I was playing the opening notes of row row row your boat with just my guitar covering me, my hands turned into lobster claws and ended up crushing my guitar into fine pieces leaving me completely naked and exposed in front of the world.   
I stood there, centre stage, buck naked with giant lobster claws for hands as the crowd started to laugh and jeer at me. I tried to cover myself with my clawhands but in the process, managed to sever my penis. So I stood there, naked and emasculated as my surroundings started to fall around me until I was alone. Bleeding. Crying and cowering in a corner of a dingy room that I managed to recognize as the old boiler room at my high school. I didn't know how I got there and started willing myself to wake up which thankfully I was able to do and I came to, laying in a sweaty mess of twisted sheets and blankets, gasping softly. Fuck. What a messed up dream.   
I lay there in the dark room for some time just mentally running through the scenes I'd dreamt about and tried to make sense of everything. What did it all mean? Was the performing naked telling me that I was vulnerable? And was the emasculation telling me that I wasn't a man? That I wasn't strong? And what the hell did the lobster claws mean?!  
Messed up. That's for sure. Both the dream and myself and I really didn't know what to make of it all and after laying in bed dwelling on things for some time I pushed myself off the mattress and headed for the mini bar, needing something to calm myself and after seeing the bottom of two small bottles of scotch and one of vodka I find myself feeling floaty enough to not let the dream effect me anymore. At least not anywhere near as much.   
An hour or so passed and I'm still awake and mulling over the dream. I don't know why it has effected me so badly. I mean it's not like it was too far from what I've dreamt in the past, hell I've dreamt far worse so why is this one such a mindfuck?  
Maybe it's because I'm thinking too much about it, yeah, that must be it. But what can I do to change my thought process? The liquor didn't help so I was all out of ideas, at least though I'm not thinking about Jordan's mood swings. Fuck. Now I'm going just that.   
I still don't get why he's been acting the way he is. I must've done something to upset him. It's really the only conclusion I can arrive at and now I'm going to be wracking my brain to figure out what it is that I did. I swear it's like a never ending swirl that my thoughts are in right now. If it's not my dream then it's Jordan’s moods and if it's not that then it's HIM. Seriously. How am I meant to get a peaceful nights sleep if this keeps happening. Sigh.   
I don't know what time it was when I managed to drift off to sleep but I know that it wasn't long at all until my alarm woke me and with a groan I silenced it and rubbed my tired eyes.   
Today was going to suck. I can just tell right now and I was not looking forward to the day of interviews. At least I won't have to do much more than sit there as I rarely get a word in edgeways during interviews. It's okay though, they don't come to hear me. I'm just a prop to make him look better after all. I have a feeling that today I'm going to be throwing myself a pity party if the current mood I'm in is anything to go by and you know what? I don't give a rats. I barely slept and my head is full of confusion and worries so if I want to have a sulk then that's what I'll do. 

**

My mood carried over like I expected it to until well after lunch and it wasn't made any better when HE called me out on it after I'd been particularly surly when faced with a bunch of questions about something totally inane. He pulled on my sleeve as I stood making a coffee. "do you want to tell me just what it is that's crawled up your arse and died today? I accept that you're pissed at me but seriously, be a professional and cut the shit. ."  
I turned and stared at him, "are you seriously going to give me that speech? You who's the queen of attitude in interviews is telling ME to cut the shit. Yeah. Hello pot this is the kettle talking.." he narrowed his eyes at me and his mouth set in a firm line. "I really don't like this person you've suddenly become. Ever since you hooked up with that arsehole you've turned into someone who I don't know and it makes me sad. You don't see what he's doing to you and it scares me that you won't realise until it's too late to stop him from destroying you. He's bad news. You need to believe me.."   
I could barely believe the words coming from the shorter man and I felt my hackles raise in defence and spots of colour appeared on my cheeks, "Just where do you think you get off? You don't get to dictate my life. You don't know shit about Jordan. And you know even less about our relationship. So fuck you and your attempts to break us up. Just accept the fact that I'm in a good place. That I'm happy. That I've moved on.."   
My words seem insincere even to my own ears and I know he'll see right through me like he always does. And my fears are confirmed when he looks at me in complete disbelief but before he can say anything more, I toss the teaspoon I was holding onto the table and let out a frustrated growl, "That's it. I'm done for the day." I announce and grabbing my bag I make a beeline for the door, ignoring the voices calling to me. 

I don't know how long I was gone and after the first five ignored calls to my mobile registered I shut my phone off and shoved it deep in the bottom of my satchel bag. I knew I was being a prat but right now I didn't give a shit. Everyone is entitled to their bad days and allowed to have their sulky moments and I'm choosing to have mine now. I like to think that I'm a pretty easy going, laid back kinda guy but everything the past few days had just gotten to the point where I can't handle it anymore and if I didn't clear my head I was more than likely going to go postal on someone or the other alternative is that my head would start spinning much like in the exorcist and I'd end up with proverbial vomit spewing over everyone in range. Yeah not something I want to see either. 

The sun had set by the time I wound up back at the hotel and I find Alex in the foyer and as soon as she saw me her face went from worry to relief then pissed off in a blink of an eye and she waits with her arms crossed as I approach and once I was in range she reaches out and smacks my arm, "I hope you have a damn good excuse for fucking off like you did today, this isn't like you, I expect this crap from his majesty but not you. You need to pull your head out of your arse and focus. We had some pissed journos here today and MTV had planned a special on you guys but since you'd gone and wouldn't answer anyone’s calls they cancelled and said they'll go with their special on The Jonas brothers as they're at least professionals.." I look at her and wait until she draws breath, "You done now Al? Because I'm really not in the mood to be compared in any way to a sorry excuse for a band like the Jonarses. So what if I took an afternoon off. I'm sick to death of being told what to do and how to feel and who to spend time with. I'm a fucking grown man and I earnt the right to choose how to live my life a long time ago. I'm sorry I missed the interviews but trust me, if I'd stayed things would have been worse than just a few pissed reporters and now if you've finished chewing on my arse, I'm going to bed." and with that I turned and headed to the elevators, leaving her in a surprised silence. 

I let myself into my room and flipping on the lights I was startled to find my room occupied by who else but my stubborn best friend. I groaned inwardly, totally not in the mood for another lecture but has a feeling it would be coming no matter what I said or did so I guess it's better to get it over and done with, right?   
He was watching me as I stood and it looked like he'd been asleep waiting for me, his hair was mussed and his cheek a little ruddy from where it had been pressed against something, most likely my pillow as he was sitting on the bed. I toss my bag onto a nearby chair and work on taking my shoes off, "Should I be worried that you're in my room and do I even want to know how you got IN here?" I ask as I walk over to the end of the bed and look down at him. He gives me a slightly cheeky smile, "You should know by now that I have my ways and I could tell you how I did it but then I'd have to kill you.." he laughs softly as he throws me a wink.  
This was odd. He was being strange and not acting at all like I expected him to, especially after me ditching the interviews today. Maybe he's realised that I just needed some time, I mean god knows he's been one to take time off midway through a day of work once or twice in the past.  
I fiddle with the hem of my jacket as he continues to watch me, and after a moment I move to sit on the bed with him, “So what do I owe this surprise visit?” I ask as the silence becomes too much and he answers with a shrug, “I wanted to make sure you were okay, that you hadn’t done anything stupid..” he explains quietly and I let out a soft sigh, “I’m not going to go off myself just because I’ve had a rough couple of nights..” His head pops up and he looks at me intently, “So you admit that you have had a bad time.. Has that jerk hurt you?” a harsh tone slips into his voice and as I glance at him I see that spots of colour have appeared on his cheeks.   
“He hasn’t hurt me.. Not really.. But well.. The rumours you were hearing about last night are probably all true..” I lower my gaze as I feel his gaze on me, unable to stand the look that I imagine would be showing in his green eyes, not wanting to see the pity or the reproach that I believed he’d view me with and I’m surprised when I glance up and see that he wasn’t looking at me anymore and I didn’t know if that was better or worse, was he so ashamed in me that he couldn’t even look at me? I think that would be worse to be honest. He slowly turns to look at me and his expression is unreadable, causing my stomach to clench a little and he shakes his head, “I tried to warn you.. I tried to stop this from happening..” he says almost too quietly for me to hear but I manage to catch it.  
“How could you have known that this would happen though? You’re not psychic..” I reach over and lightly touch his knee, “He was just having a bad day or something, just one of those things.. No one is to blame, and hell - I probably brought it on.. You know I’m not the most tactful person at times..”  
He arches an eyebrow and stares at me, “Stef, you’re probably the most tactful person I know - there’s no way you did anything to deserve that treatment and while I may not be psychic, I did know it was going to happen…” he pauses and his face pales slightly as he drops his gaze from my for a long moment and when he speaks his words race through me like shards of ice.  
“I knew because he told me what he wanted to do to you when we were… together..”


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Minutes passed and i stood there staring at my so called friend... What did he mean he and Jordan had been together, what way? There are so many ways that they could have been together but I knew deep in my heart that it was the way i dreaded most. I stared at my best friend and tried to fight the rising panic that threatened to take hold. Has this all been a game to Jordan? Did the two of them plan this? Did they want to hurt me? To pull me in, to get me all happy with Jordan, thinking that I was onto a truly good thing only to have everything pulled away from me in a cruel twist of fate? How could they do this to me?   
I just didn’t understand, was I a bad person who deserved to be hurt? because that seemed to be the common thread in my life. People who I get close to hurt me, time and time again and it didn’t seem that the pattern was going to change, not now – not anytime soon.  
He stood there awkwardly, waiting for me to say something and I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to find the words to convey how i was feeling, hell, i didn’t even KNOW how I was feeling. This was like a punch to the gut and I suppose I should really find out what had happened, what he actually meant with what he’d told me so with a deep breath I look over at the shorter man, “Tell me everything...” my voice trembles a little, “I want to know what you meant and what he told you..”   
I honestly didn’t know if I WANTED to know the truth, but I think I needed to know. I couldn’t go on not knowing if everything had been a lie. And even though I know it’s more than likely going to hurt, I owe it to myself to find out the truth. My stomach flips as I hear him clearing his throat and I swallow deeply as he talks, "It was a few months ago.. not long after he started working for us.. he and I hooked up several times and in one of our conversations, he started talking about you.. about how he wanted to fuck you and make you scream his name.." he pauses for a moment and at least he seemed to appear ashamed and embarrassed. "I never meant to hurt you." Oh well sure, that’s a comfort now when I feel like my heart is being shattered once again. His face was flushed and he was looking down at his hands, “I wanted to warn you.. I wanted to tell you what he was up to but I didn’t think that you’d really appreciate me telling you that you couldn’t see someone.. And well, I was ashamed to tell you that he and I had been together..”  
I slowly move to the foot of the bed and sink onto the edge of it, my hands clasped and resting between my knees as I slump forward. “I just don’t know what to think right now..” my voice is soft and I ache internally. “You claim to be my best friend, yet you let this happen to me.. You’ve hurt me just as much as he has, if not more..” I slowly lift my head and look at him. “I don’t know what you thought you were going to achieve by hiding this from me.. By letting him go through with this stunt and I can’t help but think that it’s just because you wanted to be the hero that came in at the end and saved the day. You wanted to see me get hurt just so you could say ‘oh I never would have done this to you..’ when really, you’ve done so much worse. You’re meant to be my BEST FRIEND..” My voice had been steadily rising until I yell the last two words and I stop myself and force myself to breathe slowly before speaking again, my voice in control once more, “You were meant to be the one person who I could trust but now I see that this has just been another lie in the fucked up thing we call our friendship and right now I can’t even look at you. I need you to leave.. To just get out of my room and don’t bother talking to me again until you can give me an actual plausible reason why you lied to me, why you hid the truth from me and why you think that it’s okay to hurt me..”   
He was staring at me in what I recognised as shock, mixed with sadness. “I’m sorry Stef.. I honestly never wanted to hurt you, I swear to you, I thought that I was doing the right thing but I’m going to do what you said and I’m going to leave and give you space..” he says softly, “I really am sorry, Stef..”  
I feel my emotions starting to take hold and I clench my jaw tightly, “Just.. Leave. I can’t handle seeing you anymore. I need you to leave.. Now..” my voice is wavering and I lower my head as my tears prick at my eyes. “Please.. Just go..” I whisper out and I clench my eyes shut until I hear his soft foot falls pass me and the door open and shut and once I’m certain that I’m alone, I let my tears fall as I feel like my heart was breaking all over again.

**

I wake with a start, the room was dark, I was cold and my back hurt. It takes a moment for me to realise I was curled on the floor at the foot of the bed, how I got here I didn’t know. I lay there for a long moment as I try to piece together what would have led to me laying here and everything comes rushing back to me in an unhindered flood of emotion and my head reels with one blinding thought:

Jordan totally played me.

My entire body aches and I feel a wave of shame wash over me, how could I have not seen this coming? How had I been so stupid to not realise that Jordan wasn’t as perfect as he seemed? I should have seen through it, I mean.. I’m clearly not meant to be in a happy relationship and this is just testament to that fact. I honestly don’t know why I let myself believe that I deserved the happy ever after - that just doesn’t happen to guys like me. My mind runs through these thoughts in a continuous cycle and I just didn’t know how to get them to stop.  
The chirping of my phone breaks through the repetitive thought pattern and I slowly lift myself into a sitting position and reach into my pocket for the phone and rubbing my face, I navigate to my inbox where I see with a strong and powerful ache that Jordan had text messaged me.  
Hey Lover, my cock misses your tight arse. Can’t wait to be back in you. Miss you (and your cock!) xox J.  
My stomach lurches and I scramble off the floor and into the bathroom where I reach the toilet just in time to empty my stomachs contents and after flushing the toilet, my tears start again in earnest and I curl up on the floor of the bathroom and cry. I cry for the way I’ve been treated. I cry for the hurt inside me. I cry for the loss of something that I thought was special. I cry for the betrayal I feel from my best friend and I cry out of frustration that this had happened.   
I lay there for some time and when my tears taper off, I feel exhausted. And cold. So I crawl over and pull myself up on the edge of the tub and run myself a hot bath which I soak in until the water goes cold and my thoughts have dulled themselves to a quiet roar.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

The next day I try to avoid contact with people for as long as possible, but as we were back on the bus that was pretty much impossible to do past 10am so instead I hid away in my cramped bunk with my headphones on and music playing loudly to try and drown out the incessant thoughts that kept swirling through my mind at a hundred miles an hour and I was able to doze on and off for a few hours, each time I woke however, I was filled with a sickening ache in my chest where my heart used to be, because it surely wasn’t there now. Or if it WAS there, it was shattered in a million pieces.  
It’s late in the afternoon when I finally emerge from the confines of my bunk as the gnawing at my stomach tells me that I’m in need of sustenance so I head towards the kitchenette and rustle up something to eat.  
I can hear the others talking and laughing down the other end of the bus and I sigh softly as I hear my name mentioned in the conversation and I listen as they start talking about me and about what was going on. I frown a little as I distinguish who was saying what and my brow furrows even more when I realise that there was one voice missing from the conversation, the one that I thought would have had the most to say.  
I finish fixing myself a sandwich and carry it towards the front of the bus, not ready to face everyone else just yet and I quickly realise why I hadn’t heard his voice in the conversation when I find him curled up on the couch, his eyes closed and headphones on his ears. My stomach clenches and I turn to leave before he opens his eyes and sees me there but his eyes quickly fly open as he senses my presence and he calls my name softly. I freeze and feel my breathing quickening as I contemplate ignoring him and walking away, but something makes me turn around and I see him staring at me with an uncharacteristically nervous expression on his face. “Stef.. Can we talk? Please?” He asks as he pulls his headphones off and uncurls his legs from underneath him.  
“I don’t know what there IS to talk about. As far as I’m concerned, you and Jordan deserve each other..” My voice wavers and I swallow around the lump in my throat as I try to keep myself calm. His expression changes to one of sadness and he shakes his head, “I don’t want him. I’ve never wanted him. You know that you’re the only one I want - don’t you remember the letter I wrote you? That’s all still true..”  
I feel as though my insides were filled with angry piranha’s who were all fighting to get the best of my organs to devour and raising my hands, I rub them over my face. “I can’t believe you anymore. You knew all along what was happening and still you just stood by and watched me make a complete fool out of myself. That’s NOT what a good friend does - and it’s definitely not something that someone who proclaims to love me does.. You could have saved all this pain.. You could have stopped me from seeing him..” my words spill out quickly and he shakes his head as my voice tapers off, “I could have told you the truth - but you wouldn’t have believed me. You’d have said I was just jealous and trying to stop you from living your life, because if you recall - you actually DID say that. You thought I was just trying to make trouble when I tried to tell you.. I hated seeing you with him. I hated the fact that I knew you were going to get hurt and I couldn’t do a damned thing to stop it.”  
I slowly moved to sit on the opposite end of the couch from him and I bury my head in my hands as I let everything wash over me. The last few weeks playing out in my mind. Everything from meeting Jordan, to getting to know him, to sharing the special moments with him and when I actually take the time to analyse them, I can see that they were hollow. That I was putting in more than I was getting out and I have a real ‘a-ha’ moment when it becomes apparent to me that I was just wanting something that wasn’t there. That I was trying to fill the void I had with someone who was convenient and that Jordan had known I was weak and vulnerable and used that to his advantage and really, there was no one else to blame for things that happened other than myself and Jordan. Especially Jordan. I know I’d taken my hurt out on my best friend and while he wasn’t completely blameless, he had tried to warn me and he did seem to care about me still.   
I look over at him now and he’s watching me with concern, “Stef? I swear, I never meant to hurt you.. I promised you I was through hurting you and I think part of what I hated so much about you being with Jordan was that maybe.. Maybe I was wrong and he DID care for you and well.. You’d fall in love with him and I’d be left alone. That I’d lose you for good and I just couldn’t handle that thought..”  
I swallow around the tightness in my throat and I rub at my eyes, “Thank you. For caring about me. I won’t lie, it still hurts that you hid this from me.. That you lied to me.. But I think I understand why you did it now..”  
A look of relief comes over his features and he reaches for his iPod, “I want to play you a song. I was listening to it before and it summed up everything that I felt and had been trying to put down in words of my own.. Will you listen to it?” he asks as he starts navigating to the song in question and I nod, “Of course..” he offers me a soft smile as he hands me the headphones and once they were in place he presses play and the song that fills my ears causes my heart to start slowly re-building itself:  
 _  
I don’t want us to fall apart today or ever  
You're the one who'd said you'd never leave  
There's no good reason for giving up  
And all this mess is just bad luck  
So, please don't lose your confidence in me_

_I wish I wasn't so fragile  
Because I know that I'm not easy to handle_

_Baby please don’t forget you love me  
Don’t forget you love me today  
Oh my baby please  
Don’t forget you love me  
Don’t forget you love me today_

_I don’t wanna  
Feel like this  
But I’m so tired of missing you  
And I don’t wanna  
Beg for your time  
I want you mine all mine  
_  
The song comes to an end and I look over at him with tears in my eyes and after softly clearing my throat and handing him back the headphones I manage to murmur: “I couldn’t ever forget that I loved you.”


	15. Chapter Fifteen

He was looking at me with an expression that I couldn’t quite read, it was a mixed bag of emotions and I started to feel nerves swimming in my stomach and he shifts closer to me on the couch, “That song says what I feel right now, I don’t want you to forget me, I love you..” his voice is soft as he reaches for my hand and squeezes it tentatively. “I don’t want us to be apart. I want to be the man you deserve and the man you want..” my stomach flips and I look over at him then down at our clasped hands and my gaze lingers there for several moments before I speak.  
“I.. I do love you. I always have and I always will.. I just.. I don’t know if I can go straight into another relationship..” My voice wavers and I swallow around the tightness in my throat. “How do I know that you’re not going to hurt me again? How do I know that you’re telling me the truth this time?”   
He looks hurt at my questions and he slowly shifts closer still, “Steffy, I can’t promise you that it’s going to be smooth sailing for us. I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you again by my thoughtlessness, but I CAN promise you that I won’t ever hurt you again intentionally. You mean too much to me and seeing you with Jordan.. Seeing the way he treated you, it was more than enough to show me that YOU are the one I want to be with. I don’t care about the rest of the men and women in the world. There’s only one person I want to call mine, there’s only one person who I want to share my bed with.. And that’s you.”  
I try to find the words to respond but I find that my tongue is completely tied so instead, I lift my free hand and lightly brush my fingertips over his cheek, “I want that too.. I want to be the one for you because you’ve always been the one for me..” my voice trembles and my heartbeat accelerates as I lean in and slowly brush my lips against his in a soft, barely there kiss and upon pulling back, I can’t help but smile at the look on his face, his expression one of complete happiness and knowing that it was there because of me gave me such a good feeling.  
“I want us to try again, but.. I have to talk to Jordan first.. I have to face him and confront him for everything..”  
He frowns at my comment and shakes his head, “I really wish you wouldn’t, but I understand and if you need me to be around when you talk to him just say the word and I’ll be there..” I thank him and impulsively lean in and press another soft kiss to his lips, my cheeks flushing. 

**

We sat on the couch for a couple of hours, talking and catching up on everything that we’d missed in each others lives the past few weeks and I was feeling better than I had in a long time. I loved the fact that I had my best friend back and then the added bonus of being at the beginning of something special with the man that I cared deeply about was just amazing. It was making my heart soar and I was heading through the bus when my phone buzzing in my shirt pocket, causing me to startle a little and my stomach instantly dropped as I see Jordan’s name on the display. I check the message with a slight hesitation.

_::Hey, It was fun and all that - but well, that’s all it was. Fun. A laugh. A way to kill the boredom of touring. Besides.. I got what I wanted from you. Maybe I’m harsh - but oh well, that’s life baby. It’s harsh at times. Ciao.::_

Wow.. I did NOT see that message coming and well, I won’t lie - it smarted a little to be the dumpee instead of the dumper but I guess it’s saved me a possibly awkward conversation. I mean, I’d still like to have it out with him, to find out what his motives were and to why he’d chosen me as the target of his cruelty and I decide that I’ll confront him when we get to the venue. That plan however is dashed aside when I head into the lounge area of the bus and find the others talking quietly. I wait for someone to tell me what was going on and it doesn’t take too long for Alex to stand and resting her hand on my arm, she tells me that Jordan quit and left the tour at the last truck stop that the roadies stopped at.  
I stand there for a moment and feel my stomach lurch a little, “Oh, okay.. Well.. I guess he really is just an arsehole shaped coward with no balls. He just sent me a text breaking up with me.. Some gentleman he turned out to be, right?”  
They all agreed with me and after taking a few minutes to talk to them all I headed back to the quiet of the front lounge where I stayed for some time by myself, just reflecting on everything that had happened.

**

The show that night went off surprisingly well and I think I was channelling my emotions into my music and I know that the rest of the band were feeding off the release of tension that had been tethering him and me together the past few weeks but now that things were in the open and that we were making headway with getting back to the place we needed to be at, it showed in everything. It showed by the way we interacted on stage, it showed in our banter, it showed in the music. So by the time the final bows were taken, we were all on a high, one more so than any normal post concert high and I won’t lie, it felt good.  
It felt good to feel good for the first time in way too long.  
We were back on the bus that night and the party went long into the night and it was around 3am that I found myself sitting by myself, staring out the window at the seemingly never-ending blackness. The sky was black, the road was black. My world used to be as dark as the road and sky, but things seem to be taking a turn to the better. They feel like maybe, just maybe, I deserve to have a rainbow prism of light surrounding me.  
I thought that I had that brightness with Jordan, but upon reflecting on the entire relationship, I know that it was without a doubt a dark and heavy spot in my life. One that I don’t ever want to go back to and one that I never WILL go back to.  
Because even if things don’t continue to get better with him, if we don’t end up as an ‘US’, we’ll always be friends - the best of friends.   
But in saying that. The way I see him looking at me as he comes in from the party to find me, I can tell that this time it’s going to be different. It’s going to be a two way street and I can feel that we’re going to be stronger.   
We’ve both been through so much and we’ve both got the scars to prove it, but I think that has just given us the ability to love each other the way we deserve to be loved and it’s helped us grow into the strong men that we are now.  
He smiles as he reaches me and he moves to sit beside me on the couch and his head leans against my shoulder and his hand moves to find mine.  
“I feel like the luckiest bastard around to have been given this new chance with you..” he says softly. “It’s going to be a tough road, but I think we owe it to ourselves to find out the if we really can make a proper go of it. So I’m ready to give my all if you are.” I turn to face him, my eyes shining with hope and anticipation.  
He nods and lifts his hand to cup my cheek. “I promise. My all is what you have. I love you Stefan.” I lean in to press a soft kiss to his lips before whispering against them, “I love you too, Brian.”

 

The End


	16. Chapter Eight

Dinner went well and after a lazy walk around town, we found ourselves in an old bowling alley complete with neon signs and antiquated scoring systems where we had to physically write our scores on the supplied score card. It was fun and coupled with the cheap two dollar beer we were drinking, the night was going marvellously and the more empty beer cups that piled up, the freer we were getting with our displays of affection and at one point, Jordan was helping me bowl which I think was just his excuse to grind himself into my backside. Which, although it wasn’t something I normally enjoyed, had me thinking about what it might be like to go down that path with him. To actually give myself to someone. Someone that was clearly wanting to be with me. Someone who wasn’t just out to play a game with my heart and mind.  
So when we finally left the alley after failing to convince the owner to keep it open longer, we headed back to the hotel, arms around each other and hands wandering freely. It had started raining while we’d been bowling and now there was a fine mist in the air and as we passed under a streetlamp, Jordan pulled me to a stop and turning to face me he lifted his hand and cupped my face, guiding me in for a deep and passionate kiss which I returned with fervour, the beer having completely washed away any inhibitions that might have been lingering around.  
We stood kissing for several long minutes and it’s only when the rain started up again in earnest that we parted, both breathing heavily. I looked into his dark eyes as the raindrops clung to his lashes and I realised just how this night was going to end. I lift my hand and wipe some of the droplets from his face as I feel a bubble of nerves in my belly, “Will you come back to my room with me?” I ask, my voice soft and slightly shy. He takes a moment to study me before rewarding me with a brilliant smile and a confident nod, “I honestly thought you’d never ask..” he murmurs as he leans in and places a slow, lingering kiss to my lips.  
I break the kiss with a soft laugh and reach for his hand, “Why are we still standing here then?” I ask and tug him into a brisk walk for the few blocks back to the hotel, stopping every so often to kiss again.   
Once we’re back in the warm lobby of the hotel, my nerves start to kick in and I have a fleeting moment of panic. I hadn’t been with another man intimately for some time and although I knew exactly what to do, I worried that I would be rusty from lack of practice, that or I’d do just what I dreaded most and become a Swedish minute man and that would just be super for the ego. But in saying that, I’ve never once had a problem with arriving early, if anything.. I’m tardy for the pants party more often than not and after studying Tantra for a while, I was able to make every moment worthwhile. Jordan catches my eye as we step onto the elevator and head for my floor and within seconds of the door closing, he has me pressed up against the mirrored wall and his hands are tight on my hips as he grinds himself against me, letting me feel that he was already aroused and the knowledge that I’d been the one to have this effect on him causes my ego to get a healthy boost and my hands are soon in his hair, tugging firmly on the wet strands as we kiss with an almost ferociousness behind it. The elevator ride was thankfully short and we stumble our way down the corridor to my room where I curse against his lips as I struggle to find my key. Jordan offers to help me look and his hands are all over my backside and crotch on the pretence of checking my pockets for me.   
The key appears and we let ourselves into the room and I manage to slap the lights on amidst the flurry of shoes being kicked off and jackets being shed.   
The wet clothes land in piles around us as we walk further into the large room and he pulls back a moment and looks at me and I know my face is flushed and my lips swollen from his kisses. “I can’t even describe how beautiful you look right now, Stef..” He reaches up and lightly brushes his fingers over my bottom lip before he moves to unbutton my shirt, sending it effortlessly to the growing pile of clothes on the floor.  
His mouth begins to lavish kisses across my cool skin, his lips sending what felt like electrical currents through my body and the sensation of his heated mouth on me made me wonder if steam was actually rising from my chilled skin.  
A soft growl escapes the back of his throat as his hands move over my sides in what could only be described as possessiveness and I found it to be extremely intoxicating.  
My own hands move through his thick hair, twisting and tugging at the wet layers that had started to curl from the rain and his mouth continued over my skin causing me to let out a breathy whisper of his name as he paid special attention to my tiny erect nipple. “I swear, your mouth is setting a fire inside me..” I manage to whisper to him as I finally begin to work at removing his shirt, wanting suddenly, to feel his skin against mine in an almost desperate way and when we finally connect, chest to chest, my eyes roll back a little and I can’t stop the moan from escaping and the heat radiating between our bodies causes my cock to harden almost painfully but the pain soon become pleasure when Jordan reaches between us and rubs and squeezes me through my black pants.  
“Mm Stef, these pants have got to come off.. I’ve been dying to see just how perfect you are..” Jordan’s voice trembles a little as his shaking hands move to remove my belt and unfasten my pants.  
My own stomach starts to flip once more as his fingers brush against me through the opening of my pants and a shudder speeds through my body, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been touched like this..” I whisper as I help him remove my pants and I’m soon standing in front of him in my socks and underpants and I feel a flush raise up my neck and over my cheeks as Jordan studies me with an obvious hunger in his eyes.  
Jordan reaches up and presses his palm flat against the centre of my chest and pushes me backwards towards the bed and I make a soft noise of surprise as I end up on my back looking up at him. I shift a little and move so my head was on the pillows and he reaches for my feet and slowly peels my socks off one by one, tossing them over his shoulders with a smile, “You know.. You look like all my wet dreams rolled into one right now.. And I don’t just mean because we got caught in the rain.. You have the body that I dream about on a man.. Long.. Lean.. Lithe..” Jordan’s voice is breathy as he removes his own jeans and socks and after hesitating for a moment, he hooks his thumbs into the sides of his boxers and they too join the clothes on the floor and my god, he’s beautiful. His skin is perfect. Flawless, save for a scar on his lower abdomen.   
I push myself up on my elbows and let out a soft breath, “Wow.. Jordan.. Talk about bodies from a dream.. I swear it’s like you were carved from my imagination..” I murmur as I sit up and reach out to lightly stroke his cock, the veins standing out against my calloused fingertips and the sound he makes when I wrap my long fingers around it causes my own cock to twitch behind the cotton of my underpants.  
Jordan runs his hand over the back of my head and down to rest on my neck as I stroke and squeeze him, making the most of feeling another mans arousal in my hands and I slowly look up to find him watching me intently, “Do you have any protection?” he asks, his expression turning slightly shy as he bites on his bottom lip and I nod and slowly stand from the bed, “I’ll get it.. Don’t go anywhere..” my voice trembles a little and my legs feel like jelly as I press a hungry kiss to his lips before heading into the bathroom where my toiletry bag was, managing to find the tube of lubricant and package of condoms easily.  
Back in the bedroom, Jordan was now reclined on the bed, slowly and languidly stroking himself and he smiles slowly when he sees me return, “I thought you’d never get back and I was getting antsy..” he winks as he moves to lay on his side, beckoning to me with his finger. “I think you need to shed those jocks and join me on this big comfortable bed, which might I add, is decidedly more comfortable than mine in my room..” Jordan laughs softly and his eyes follow my every move as I toss the lube and rubbers onto the bed beside him and shed my underwear, flushing as I straighten up, allowing him the first proper look at my entire body. “I know I’m not much, but what I lack for in size I make up for in ability..” Jordan lets out a noise of disbelief, “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re by far the biggest I’ve ever been with..” he shakes his head, “Whoever told you that you were lacking in anything needs a seeing eye dog..”  
I flush even more and look away for a moment before meeting his gaze, “Thank you. It means a lot to hear that..” my voice is soft and my accent starts to show through even more prominently as it always did when aroused. “C’mon, join me..” his voice is almost like a purr now and I feel myself drawn to him like a moth to a flame and I crawl onto the bed and settle myself on my side, facing him.  
The nerves start to build as we lay there facing each other and he gives me a slow smile as he reaches out and trails his fingertips over the side of my neck and over my chest, tracing around my nipple before moving lower, only stopping once his fingers were brushing against the thatch of hair at the base of my now straining cock. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long..” he breathes out as his strong fingers wrap around me as he begins to familiarise himself with my body in the most intimate of ways.   
I close my eyes and bask in the sensation of having a new and unfamiliar hand on me and instead of a usual apprehension I would feel, I find myself drinking in the feeling and wanting more. He slowly pushes me onto my back and my breath catches in my throat as I watch him lick his lips and parting them, he bends down and presses tonguing kisses to the side of my shaft which elicits an incredibly delightful feeling throughout my entire body and I groan in delight, “Oh god.. That feels so good..” I whisper and he makes a soft noise in reply as he bathes my cock with his tongue in what was truly a breathtaking way.


	17. Epilogue

It had been six months since that conversation on the bus and things had just moved from strength to strength. Brian and I were even more in love now than ever and it was such a refreshing feeling to actually be in a relationship where the love is reciprocated.  
Don’t get me wrong, we had our ups and downs, we had fights. But at the end of the day, we had each other and that was something that I was cherishing and not going to ever take for granted - especially not now. Not on the day that we were moving in together.  
I guess some people would argue that six months was way too soon in a relationship to live together, but when you think about it - we’ve known each other for over a decade and there isn’t anything we don’t know about each other and with us both spending most of our free time together, it just made sense that we live together.   
So that’s where you find me, in the middle of my empty apartment as the movers take the last of the boxes - We were originally going to flip a coin to determine which house we stayed at, but it made more sense in the end for us to move into Brian’s as he already had Cody’s room set up there and it was slightly larger than my own, so my flat was currently listed as a rental, we thought it would make sense to keep it as a bit of extra income, then if heaven forbid, something happened to cause us to break up then I’d still have a home. Not that I like to think about that possibility happening.  
Brian comes in from outside and he smiles over at me, “Stef, are you ready?, the movers said that they got the last box loaded so they’re ready when we are..” he smiles as he walks over and takes my hand, bringing it to his mouth to press a soft kiss to the back of it, the tender touch causing my heart to race and I nod, “I’m definitely ready. I honestly can’t wait to officially start our life together.. Under the one roof..”

**

Later that night - long after the movers had left and after two curries had been washed down with several beers, we find ourselves curled up on the couch together in a state of contented bliss and mid way through the movie, I realised that Brian wasn’t watching the movie, but he was watching me intently. I flush as I look down at him, “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I asks, my eyes dancing a little when he smiles and lifts his hand to lightly stroke my cheek with his fingertips, “I was just thinking about how beautiful you look, here in our home.. On our couch.. And I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have been given the most amazing blessing in you..”   
My lips curl into a slow smile and I lean down to press a love filled kiss to his lips, “I love you and I love being here.. With you.. In our house..” my voice is soft as my lips brush against his as I talk and I slowly deepen the kiss, loving the way that his lips felt pressed against mine.  
“This is something I’m definitely going to get used to..” I whisper against his lips, “Kissing on tap..” He smiles slowly as he looks up into my eyes, “Steffy, it’s not just the kissing that’s on tap now..” Brian murmurs, “There’s a whole lot of other things we could do too..” he says with a wiggle of his eyebrows.  
“Oh really.. And what pray tell, are these other things you speak of?” I ask with a sweet and innocent smile and am rewarded with a beautiful smile as he moves to my lap, straddling my hips and slowly grinding himself down against me. “Are you getting any clues now?” he asks, his voice low and breathy.  
“Oh there’s definitely something I’m picking up on right now..” I murmur as my large hands rest securely on his slim hips and move with him as his hips grind down against my own. “And I think we should really head into our room and make good use of our bed..”  
“Mm Stef, I thought you’d never suggest it..” Brian’s voice is low and laced with arousal, something that I would never get tired of hearing. He leans in and presses slow, fluttering kisses to my lips before pressing a deep and passionate kiss to my mouth, causing a whimper of delight to escape me as I feel the energy passing between us and a noise of protest makes itself heard as the kiss is broken when Brian pulls back and slips from my lap.  
“Come on Stringbean, lets go to bed..” his voice is silken smooth as he reaches for my hands and tugs me off the couch and leads the way into the room that was now both of ours. Boxes were piled around and my suitcases full of clothes were at various stages of unpacking, but that was all insignificant right now. All that mattered was that we were about to make love.  
He pauses inside the door and dims the lights before his hands easily and eagerly tug my t-shirt from my body, my nipples hardening in the cool air of the room. He leans in and brushes soft kisses to my chest as his calloused fingers move slowly over my sides in delicious patterns.  
My own hands move to brush his hair from his face and I lean down and press slow, tonguing kisses to his neck as I work the buttons of his shirt undone, pushing the soft fabric from his shoulders once it was completely unfastened. “I love the way your lips feel.. And how your hands feel..” my voice is hushed and I slowly nip at the spot behind Brian’s ear and I love the fact that it would always illicit a response from the older man, this time being no exception.  
His hands move over my sides and end up against the front of my sweat pants, my growing arousal not hidden at all through the thin fabric and he slowly tugs the drawstring loose and smiles up at me, “I see you’re already up for the occasion..” he murmurs as he stands up on his tip toes and presses a slow kiss to my lips which I return eagerly, my hand moving to cup his face before he pulls back and growls softly, “I want you on the bed.. Naked..” he orders softly as his hands move over my bare chest, his nails leaving little red lines in their wake and the firmness sends a jolt of pleasure to my cock, making it twitch appreciatively.  
I follow Brian’s instructions and after shedding my pants, I crawl onto the middle of the large bed and settle against the mountain of pillows, my cock, now almost completely hard, was twitching with anticipation and my entire body warms with desire as I watch him remove the rest of his clothes and climb onto the bed beside me.   
He reaches out a hand and trails his fingertips over my body, starting at my forehead, moving over my face and headed downwards over my torso, stopping for a moment to tease my nipples, then down lower, circling around my navel before his touch moves over my pelvic bone in slow teasing circles. He then runs his fingers over my thigh and down to my ankle.  
By now, my erection was as hard as it could get and I was unable to contain the whimpers and noises of pleasure and excitement as his touch set fires underneath my skin where his fingers came into contact with it. I move my hands to reach for him and he indulges me for a moment before pulling back and shaking his head, “Nope.. This is all about you tonight..” he murmurs as he leans down and presses a soft kiss to my belly. Then as his teeth sink into the skin beneath my navel, I gasp and my back arches from the bed in delight. “Ohh god yess.” I breathe out as a shudder speeds through my entire body, “I love it when you bite me like that..” he looks up at me and gives me a slow smile, “I know Steffy, that’s why I did it..” his voice is deep with arousal and he slowly lowers his head back to keep pressing kisses and nipping at my skin.   
His lips are now brushing through the thick thatch of hair that surrounds my now achingly hard arousal and he makes a soft noise as he nuzzles his cheek against my cock, “So perfect…” he whispers, “And all mine..” he brings one hand up to caress my shaft as his lips brush against the other side, “I love that I can make you feel good.. That you let me be the one…” I reach down and brush my fingers through his hair, “It’s always been you Brian, you’re the only one..”   
He looks up and I’m rewarded with an amazingly bright smile, one that came truly from within and his eyes shine, “I love you Stefan.” He murmurs as he quickly leans over and presses a loving kiss to my lips before shifting back down to his previous position and I gasp in delight as he begins to press slow, tonguing kisses to my shaft.  
He continues to bathe my cock in kisses for several delicious minutes before he slowly parts his lips and takes just the head of my length into his mouth, his tongue swirling around the swollen head and probing the sensitive areas, causing me to writhe against the bed and murmur his name breathlessly and my breathy murmurs soon turn into a gasping moan of delight as he effortlessly takes my entire length into his mouth, not stopping until I was completely buried in his throat.  
“Ohh my fucking god!” I exclaim as my body shudders and my back arches, “Holy hell, I’ll never get tired of this..” I breathe out as I twist my fingers into his hair and tug firmly as he begins to bob his head expertly in the way that he knew I enjoyed the most and my brain threatens to switch itself off as the pleasure become intense and I know that I wasn’t going to last very long if he kept it up. I tell him so and he slowly comes to a stop and swipes at my leaking head with the flat of his tongue, “Mm.. I could have kept going all night..” he murmurs, his voice husky, his cheeks ruddy and his lips swollen. “My god, you’re beautiful..” I breathe out as I reach for him and pull his lips to mine in a deep and passionate kiss which he returns without hesitation for several delicious moments before pulling back and looking down into my eyes, “Will you let me make love to you tonight?” he asks and I feel my heartbeat quicken, I had only bottomed a handful of times since we got back together and each time I’d been slightly apprehensive after the experience with Jordan, but I know that I was ready to move on from that period in my life and I owed it to myself and to Brian to give myself to him readily and without hesitation so I look into his green eyes and nod, “Yes.. I want you to..” my voice trembles a little and after clearing my throat for a moment, I reach up and brush his hair from his face, “I love you and I trust you..”  
He smiles into my eyes and presses a soft kiss to my lips, “I love you too, and I’ll never give you reason again to doubt that trust..” he then shifts and moves to our stash of condoms and lubricant and tenderly readies my body for the next step.  
I feel my stomach flipping a little, both from excitement and nerves and I can’t deny the pleasure as Brian’s lubricated finger enters my body, the sensation causing my eyes to close and my head to spin a little in delight. “Ohh my.. I forgot how this felt..” I breathe out, my voice a whisper.  
“It’s okay honey, just remember to keep your breathing even..” Brian’s voice appears in my ear and I slowly open my eyes, turning my head to look into his eyes, finding them full of love and tenderness. I nod and rest my fingers on his cheek as he shifts to lay between my legs, his fingers having left my body after stretching my arse enough to minimise the pain of his penetration.  
He hovers himself, his sheathed length waiting for my okay and I let out a slow breath and nod, “I’m ready when you are..”  
The moment of initial penetration is a blur as the pain is all that I can register for a few seconds, but after the first wave of discomfort passes, I find myself melting into the moment and loving the feeling of being stretched to deliciously. Brian’s cock being something that fit so perfectly inside of my body. He pauses in his motions to look down into my eyes, “Are you okay, Stef?” He asks, his voice breathy and low with arousal. I nod and smile up at him, “I’m okay.. Keep going..”   
Brian continues to inch his way into my body until he was completely enveloped by my body. My eyes close and my head falls back, “Ohh my..” I breathe out, no other words being formed in my empty mind, all that I could focus on was the pleasure of the moment and the fact that I was so intimately connected to the man I loved.  
We stay like that for several moments, kissing softly as our bodies get used to the new position before Brian starts to slowly move his hips in a slow and deliberate circle and the pleasure field in my brain starts going into overdrive as my prostate is brushed against, sending delicious waves of pleasure throughout my entire body. I bring my knees up, steepling them at Brian’s sides as we begin to move together and I feel as though my entire body was being transported to another realm. A realm where fucking didn’t exist and there was only the purest form of lovemaking.  
“God, Stef.. I forgot how amazingly tightly your arse was..” Brian breathes out as he makes a slow thrust into my body which causes me to moan his name. “I’m glad you like it.. You’re the only one who gets it.. For the rest of my life..” my words are breathy and low, my accent showing through even more as it always did when I was aroused in such a way.  
Brian continues to thrust into my body, and before long, the room is heated and heavy with the scent and sounds of our lovemaking and the minutes had all blurred together to the point where I had no idea how long we’d been making love, time seeming to stand still when Brian and I were intimate.  
I feel the intense pleasure continuing to build within my body and before long I know that it’s not going to be long before I hit my climax and as I whisper as much to Brian, he looks into my eyes, his face flushed and his hair stuck to his sweaty cheek. “It’s okay baby, we’ve got all night to go again and again..”  
He reaches between our bodies an wraps his small hand around my straining cock and begins to pump it in time with his deeper and firmer thrusts and within moments he has me calling his name breathlessly, “Ohh fuck.. Yess…” I hiss out in delight as my body stiffens and with a loud cry of Brian’s name, I cum heavily, over his hand and our stomachs.  
“Fuck. There’s nothing hotter than watching you cum..” Brian breathes out and after several more thrusts into my willing body, he throws his head back and growls out my name as his body stiffens and he too cums and together we shudder as he collapses against my chest, our sweat and cum slicked bodies warm and comforting to each other.   
We hold each other as we ride out our orgasms and after he reluctantly pulls from my body and disposes of the condom, he fumbles around under the pillows for a moment before coming back with something grasped in his hand.  
He looks at me and I see an unfamiliar nervousness in his expression as he reaches for my hand.   
“Stefan Alexander Bo Olsdal, I love you. And I’m so blessed each and every day to have you in my life. I’ve loved you for so long, even before I realised it and I don’t want another day to go by without knowing that you realise just how much you mean to me so I’m here, asking you to do me the immense honour of agreeing to marry me..”  
My eyes mist with tears as I realise he was holding a gorgeous platinum and diamond ring and my tears escape as he takes hold of my hand and slips the ring on, “Please say yes?”  
I look at the ring on my finger then back into his eyes and I nod and leaning in to kiss him deeply, I murmur against his lips.   
“Yes. Yes I’ll marry you.”

The End  
(for real)


End file.
